Teens and Screens

Teenagers and their phones is an issue parents raise with me every week. Parents are exasperated and bewildered at how closely their teens are attached to their screens, and teens are incensed at how controlling their parents are, and how much their parents just don’t get it. 

Here are a few dos and don’ts when it comes to navigating this tricky minefield:

DON’T

·      Take away the phone. Although this forces your teen to use their phone less, it doesn’t teach them the long-term skills to balance their use, which is ultimate goal. 

·      Get stuck in lectures or debates about phone use. You will never understand how important the phone is to your teen, and your teen will never understand (or value) your concerns. Not only will these approaches be ineffective, but will impact negatively on your relationship.

·      Invalidate your teen’s perspective. Even if you don’t understand the importance of their phone use, listen to why their phone is important to them, and don’t dismiss their thoughts and perspective just because it’s different to yours. 

·      Get drawn into an argument when your teen gets defensive – for the sake of effectiveness, and for the sake of your relationship. 

·      Be directive in your approach. It is much more powerful to listen to your teen, and get them to come up with some ideas. 

DO

·      Reassure them that you understand their phone is important to them, which is why you don’t want to ban it completely. What you want is to find a solution for their phone use that works for both of you.

·      Give a (short!) rationale for why it’s important to you that you set boundaries on their phone use. 

·      Negotiate a mutually agreeable solution. Negotiation is one of the most powerful parenting tools with teenagers. 

·      Approach the negotiation as you would with a colleague or adult friend. This will make collaboration much more likely, and get you much closer to a successful outcome.

·      Measure progress, organizing a time to check in and discuss how successful the plan has been. If they’re able to stick to the plan, they can continue to manage their use independently. If not, you need to continue to work together to find a solution. 

Taking a different approach to solving the problem of phone use can be difficult. However, it is the way you go about this issue that is critical to its outcome. Shifting from an authoritarian to a collaborative parenting approach can not only improve the likelihood of a solution, but improve the relationship, teach important skills and build mutual respect in the process. 

Valuing Yourself: Starting to Understand and Challenge Self Esteem

Simply put, self-esteem refers to our opinion of ourselves, and how much we value ourselves. Many people suffer from low self-esteem. Low self-esteem means we have an overall negative opinion of ourselves, and leads to ongoing unhappiness and dissatisfaction. 

The key word here is ‘opinion’. People with low self-esteem usually judge themselves harshly, and strongly believe that they are not good enough or flawed in some basic way. They often do not recognise that these beliefs or opinions about themselves are not facts.

Often it is the messages from those we value most (e.g. parents, siblings, peers, and teachers) that shape our self-esteem the most growing up. Sometimes people can work out that their low self-esteem has come from negative experiences in their early life, such as: 

·      Being bullied

·      Being criticised a lot as a child 

·      Not being able to live up to others’ standards 

·      Feeling like they didn’t fit in at home or school

Sometimes current life experiences can also lead to, or increase, low-esteem. For example: 

·      Feeling lonely

·      Not performing well at work or school

·      A relationship breakdown

·      Being treated badly by others

·      Depression or anxiety 

·      Chronic illness or disability

These types of experiences can lead people to reach negative conclusions about themselves, resulting in strong negative beliefs about themselves, such as being ‘worthless’, ‘not good enough’, ‘unlovable’ or ‘bad’. 

Low self-esteem can greatly impact how people live and feel because it can affect all areas of life. Some ways low self-esteem may impact life include:  

·      Negative feelings, such as sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger or shame

·      Difficulties with relationships, including not expecting to be respected, not standing up for themselves, excessively trying to please others, being very shy, or expressing anger towards others

·      Perfectionism, to compensate for perceived inferiority or inadequacy    

·      Being self-critical and blaming of themselves, and using negative words to describe themselves (e.g. ugly, stupid, not lovable)

·      Ignoring their positive qualities to focus on perceived weaknesses and faults

·      Believing that they are inferior to others

·      Fearing failure and so avoiding challenges or opportunities

·      Not being able to take credit for achievements or accept compliments

Does this sound like you? If so, it may seem like you can’t change the situation, but low self-esteem based on past experiences and relationships doesn’t have to be your future. Your own thoughts and opinions about yourself and the things that happen in your life probably influence your self-esteem the most. The good news is that these thoughts and opinions are something you can control, and working on changing these (although not easy) can help you develop a more accurate view of yourself, and healthier self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem allows you to value your qualities, while recognising and accepting your flaws.

Some steps towards healthy self-esteem

Be kind to yourself

Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. Be kind, supportive, and understanding. Also, remember that everyone makes mistakes – in fact making mistakes is part of how we learn and improve.

Acknowledge your positive qualities

Try writing down all the positive things about yourself (big and small – e.g. I’m friendly, I’m funny, I’m a good cook, I love my pets, I’m creative, I can enjoy nature, I read a lot of books, I’m a thoughtful friend). Look out for your critical inner voice while you do this, and ask a trusted friend to help if you get stuck or have a look here for a list of positive attributes. Make an effort to notice these things about yourself every day, and mark them on your list.

Nobody’s perfect 

Including you! Make an effort to accept yourself, flaws and all.

Don’t compare yourself to others – you do you 

Recognise that everyone is different and has their own special qualities. Focus on your own goals and achievements. 

Question your negative ‘self-talk’

Make an effort to listen to your inner voice, and notice when you criticise yourself. Write down your negative self-evaluations when you notice them. Then think about whether the criticism is an opinion or fact, try and think of any objective evidence that the criticism is true or not (ask someone you trust to help if you get stuck), and look for other ways to view the situation. You may find that there are other, more realistic, ways to see yourself and situations.

Focus on the here-and-now

Notice when you are reliving past pains, and bring your mind and thoughts back to what you are doing in the present. Practice mindfulness.

Enjoy yourself 

Plan activities you enjoy (big and small) into every week.  Schedule them on a calendar or diary, and/or plan to do them with others, to make it more likely you will do them.

Get moving

Exercise regularly to boost your mood and help you to feel good about yourself. If you’re not used to exercising regularly, start small and build up your exercise. Exercise with others to keep motivated. 

Find your people

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, and avoid those who trigger your negative thoughts.

Try to practise these ideas as regularly as you can. Be kind to yourself about your progress as it takes time and effort to change the way you think, feel and behave, and to develop new habits. Be patient and persistent as you move towards healthy self-esteem.

The Four Pitfalls of Any Relationship and What to do About Them

Coming to therapy with your partner is a brave step to take in improving one of the most important relationships in your life. You may decide to approach couples’ therapy when you have come up against a roadblock you can’t move beyond. Alternatively, attending couples therapy regularly might be a practice you already carry out to maintain your relationship and keep it progressing.

The most substantial literature in couples’ therapy comes from the extensive research completed by the Gottman Institute, based in Seattle USA. Longitudinal studies with married couples completed by Gottman and others over the course of 12 years were able to predict divorce or separation with 90% accuracy. 

Gottman found that the average couple will wait six years before seeking help for marital problems, and that half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years (Gottman, J.M. 1994). Stable marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity during conflict, whereas in unstable marriages the ratio is 0.8:1 (Gottman, J.M. and Lenvenson, R. 1999). Emotional withdrawal, and the absence of positive affect during conflict discussions (shared humour, affection, empathy) predict divorce around 16 years after the wedding (Gottman, J.M. 1994).

Although these studies were completed in 1994 with married couples, the findings continue to hold up in a modern context. Couples of any sexual orientation or marital status continue to benefit from the findings of these longitudinal studies. This blog will discuss the four communication styles – known as ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ – that help to predict early divorce or separation in couples. I will also discuss some strategies couples may employ to improve upon these communication styles. 

1.    Criticism

This is when you verbally attack the other person’s personality or character. This is different to voicing your concerns or a complaint. 

For example, a concern or complaint would be: 
“I felt frustrated and upset when you said you were going to do the dishes after dinner and then you didn’t do them. I thought we had agreed to take turns” 
A criticism would be: “You never think about how your behaviour affects me. You never think of other people, you’re just selfish”

A concern or complaint addresses a specific issue. A criticism attacks someone at their core. It makes the other person feel rejected, hurt, or assaulted and can lead to an escalating pattern of criticism with greater intensity and frequency.

What to do about it:

Express your concerns by speaking about how the other person’s behaviour (not their character) impacts the way that you feel. In doing so, express to your partner what you need from them in a positive and not attacking way. Using “I” statements is a great way to do this. 

For example, instead of saying something like “You eat too much junk food”, try “I feel worried when you eat lots of sugar because your family have a history of cholesterol problems, and your health and wellbeing is really important to me. Why don’t we try together to make some healthier choices?”

2. Contempt

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and the most corrosive behaviour in a relationship. It is to attack the other person’s sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse them. When one partner is contemptuous toward the other, they are made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt is being truly mean or mocking towards your partner. When you communicate in this way you are sarcastic, use aggressive humour, treat the other person with disrespect, name call, eye-roll, sneer, ridicule, mimic or scoff. 

An example of contempt:

“You think you’ve had a busy day? I’ve been racing around doing things for you and the kids all day. You just come home and lie down and do absolutely nothing to help. You wouldn’t know hard work if it smacked you in the face. Cry me a river! You’re so lazy and pathetic you have no bloody idea!”

Research even demonstrates that contemptuous couples are more likely to suffer from colds or the flu than others due to weakened immune systems. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It assumes a position of moral superiority as it aims to embarrass or shame your partner by painting them as unworthy. It must be eliminated if you want your relationship to succeed.

What to do about it:

Build a culture of appreciation between yourself and your partner. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. What attracted you to them in the first place? Write down or memorise every single positive or helpful thing they do or say – no matter how small it may seem. Find gratitude for their positive actions and demonstrate this to them. Thank them. Say something nice to them. Put yourself in their shoes. 

3. Defensiveness

Everyone has been defensive at some point. Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism, and is usually present when a relationship is in strife. Defensiveness in a relationship is when you victimise yourself to ward off a perceived criticism or attack, and to reverse blame. 

An example of defensiveness:

“Did you call Toby and Melissa to let them know that we’re not coming tonight like you said you would?”

Defensive response: “I was too busy today! You know how busy my day was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

This partner not only responds defensively but reverse blames in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault.

When you feel like you have been unjustly accused, you will make excuses and play the victim so that your partner backs off. Unfortunately this strategy is almost never successful. When you make excuses it just tells your partner that you don’t take their concerns seriously, and that you are unwilling to take responsibility for your mistakes. 

Although it is understandable to defend yourself if you are feeling attacked and stressed out, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate conflict if the other partner does not back down or apologise, because defensiveness is really a way of blaming them in return.

What to do about it:

Take responsibility. Accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing. Offer a non-defensive response as a way to express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault where required, and an understanding of your partners perspective. 

In the example above, a non-defensive response to the question would be: “Oops, I forgot to call them! I should have asked you this morning if you would be able to do it because I knew I would be too busy today. That’s my fault, I’m sorry. I’ll call them right now.”

4.  Stonewalling

Stonewalling is withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance, and separation, and is usually in response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when you shut down from the interaction, and simply stop responding to your partner. Rather than confronting the issues your partner is raising, you evade them by either tuning out, acting busy, turning away, or engaging in distracting behaviours.  

Stonewalling can take some time to occur in a relationship, but once it begins to happen it can be difficult to stop. This may be due to feeling overwhelmed emotionally and physiologically, and therefore not being in a state to be able to discuss things rationally. 

What to do about it:

If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict conversation, ask your partner to take a break.

For example: “I’m feeling too angry/anxious/upset to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a while? It will be easier to work through this once I’ve calmed down”

During the break time, take around 20 minutes to do something that soothes you. Go for a walk, listen to a podcast, stretch your muscles, take some deep breaths, or read a book, and then return to the conversation once you feel ready - it is important to make sure that you do return to it. 

What To Do Instead of Controlled Crying

Attachment theory has advanced significantly over the past decade, providing research that discounts many of the previously held views stemming from behaviourism.  

The attitude that comforting a child in distress spoils them, reinforces the behaviour or creates a “rod for your own back” is just not supported by current research.

Being available, responsive and sensitive to your child’s emotions and needs, from birth, is what builds the foundation for secure attachment. Secure attachment is one of the most powerful gifts you can provide your child – setting the foundations for emotional, social and physical health and wellbeing into adulthood. 

One controversial legacy of behaviourism is controlled crying. Still a topic to divide parents today, attachment theory provides important insights into the mechanisms involved in the process. Research shows that although controlled crying may “work” in terms of the outcome of reducing crying, cortisol remains high in “sleep trained” infants. This suggests that the underlying emotion hasn’t changed; the children just learn the futility of communicating their distress. In this way, what controlled crying teaches is – “There is no point in asking for help because it won’t arrive”. The distress remains, the underlying emotion remains, and an important lesson is learnt that they cannot rely on others for support. 

Attachment theory provides an alternative approach to managing sleep difficulties, that protects the emotional wellbeing of your child, and your relationship:

·     Babies are not designed to sleep well!

Our society has an obsession with babies and sleep, equating “good” babies with sleeping babies. This can create anxiety amongst parents, making them feel like they are doing something wrong if their babies aren’t sleeping. Babies pick up on the anxiety and distress of their parents, making sleep even harder to achieve. Check in with your expectations, and let go of unhelpful beliefs. 

·     Shift your focus from “Doing” to “Being”

Instead of making the aim to get your baby to sleep, use the lead up to bedtime to just be present. Watch them. Once he or she is calm, just take a moment to share the moment with them. Don’t try to do anything, just be calm and quiet together. 

·     Get to know your baby’s tired signs

This can take time and practice, but gives you valuable information to make sleep more likely. As you get better at noticing your baby’s early sleep signs, you have a greater opportunity to catch the window that is easiest for your baby to achieve sleep. 

·     Do what it takes to calm your baby

When your baby is having difficulty settling to sleep, it will be near impossible for them to fall asleep distressed. By calming your baby you are creating the conditions possible for them to sleep.

·     Go with your gut

When you are trying new ways to help your baby sleep, check in with how it sits with you as a parent. If it feels wrong, trust that feeling. If your baby seems more distressed, listen and respond to them accordingly. Use and trust your intuition. 

·     Trust your baby

Babies’ sleep matures and develops as they do. There is no need to rush the process, especially when doing so creates stress for everyone involved. 

·     It’s never too late to focus on attachment!

If you are someone who has practiced controlled crying in the past, because it was the done thing, or because you were keen to try whatever you could to get some sleep, don’t beat yourself up! Blame and judgment never helped anyone become a better parent. Attachment is an ongoing process and is not set in stone. Ruptures can be repaired and security can be achieved. 

Loneliness: The Importance of Social Connection

Many people will feel lonely at some points in their lives, as loneliness affects around 25% of Australians. Although everyone’s experience of loneliness will be unique, loneliness is often described as the feeling we get when our need for rewarding social contact and relationships is not met, in quantity and/or quality. Loneliness can often leave a person feeling vulnerable.

Because loneliness is not always the same as being alone, people can feel lonely in very different situations. For example, you might be content with very little contact with other people, and choose to live alone, while others would feel lonely in the same situation. Or you may feel lonely, even though you are surrounded by people. You can still feel lonely while you are in a relationship, part of a family, or very socially active, particularly if you don’t feel valued or understood by those around you.

While it is normal to feel lonely from time to time, long periods of loneliness or social isolation can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health. In fact, research shows that lacking social connections is as damaging to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and can increase our likelihood of earlier death by 26%. Loneliness increases the risk of high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, and high blood pressure.

In terms of mental health, there is good evidence that loneliness increases people’s risk of cognitive decline, risk of developing clinical dementia, experience of stress, and symptoms of depression or anxiety. However, the relationship between loneliness and depression is reciprocal - experiencing chronic loneliness is likely to make depression worse, and one of the symptoms of depression is increased social isolation, as it is more difficult to connect with others when depressed.

On the flipside, research tells us that the stronger our social connections, the healthier and happier we are. Social connectedness is a predictor of overall wellbeing, and has been shown to increase our resilience to stress and trauma.

Loneliness can be experienced for many reasons, including:

• Living alone

• Losing someone close to you through death or relocation

• Feelings of loss or grief

• Disconnection from family

• Mental health conditions: for example, depression or anxiety

• Feelings of being “different” or rejected by others, or fear of this happening

• Language or cultural barriers

• Access issues: Difficulties with mobility, illness, or transport, resulting in inability to socialise

• Change of role: Retirement from work, or starting out in a new role or community (e.g. starting university, relocation for work)

• Change in location (e.g. moving home)

• Geographic isolation

It is generally acknowledged that older people are more likely to experience loneliness through factors such as loss of a partner or friends through death, living alone, or inability to take part in social activities because of lack of mobility or transport issues. 

However, research has recently highlighted that young people aged 15-25 years are also experiencing elevated rates and intensity of loneliness. It is relevant that this age group is very connected via social media, and the quality of these connections is not sufficient without face-to-face interaction. Furthermore, the selective nature of what people post on social media can lead to unrealistic comparisons being made, leading to dissatisfaction with social connections and feelings of loneliness.

Reducing Loneliness

Recognising what types of social connections are rewarding for you, and meet your social needs, is an important step in knowing how best to fulfil these needs. Do you simply need someone to share time with? Do you feel most connected when sharing an activity or interest? Maybe you feel closest to others when exploring meaningful conversation? There is not a single ‘right’ way to connect, but connecting meaningfully is most beneficial. 

Some ideas about how to improve your social connection:

·       Connect with others – this may sound obvious, but when you are lonely it is harder to feel like making contact with others

o   Connect with friends and family – reconnect if you have lost touch, use technology if distance is a problem.

o   Accept invitations to socialise, even if you don’t feel like it

·       Get out and about 

o   Exercise, shopping, or going to public places can be opportunities to have small daily interactions that hold loneliness at bay, and make interacting with others easier. Chat with the shop assistant, or exchange comments at the gym.

·       Get involved with your community

o   Get involved in a hobby, join a club, enrol in study, or learn a new skill. Find out what is available near you and start something you’re interested in with like-minded people. 

·       Volunteer 

o   Volunteering helps others and has been shown to increase feelings of social connectedness

o   Volunteering Australiais an organisation that can help you find volunteering options that may suit you

·      Online groups 

o   Meetup is an internet site that organises online groups of people with similar interests. Crucially, however, the groups organise offline meetings and activities so you can take part in person. 

Although solving the problem of high levels of loneliness in our society will probably need community and government involvement, we can all do our bit to help address the problem. Focus on face-to-face friendships, reach out to neighbours, and contact family are all small acts we can do to improve our social connection and help those around us to benefit too.

Tips to Manage Your Time

How often have you made a point of putting time aside to go for a walk or call a friend and ended up watching TV instead? Or planned on getting a few hours of study done and ended up scrolling Instagram? Not managing our time well can leave us feeling frustrated, dissatisfied and stressed. This is because when it comes to time management it is important for all of us to spend our time doing things that we value. Time is one of the most valuable resources we have, however, so many of us squander it away engaging in behaviours that do not align with our values. Here are some tips to support better time management and the likelihood of engaging in values-directed behaviours.

1.    Know what is important to you: 

Identify the values, activities and goals that are most important in your life. These values are the map by which you give direction to your life and schedule your time. 

2.    Prioritise: 

Activities can be ranked in terms of what is important and what is less important. Next time you are dedicating your time to a particular activity, ask yourself, ‘How important is this to me?’  For example, if you have been scrolling your phone for more than 30 minutes, think back to point number 1 and redirect your attention to more important values-based activities or goals.

3.    Plan: 

Use reminders, a calendar, diary, and ‘to do’ lists. A written plan gives us the ability to organise our thoughts, saving us time in the long run. We are then able to stand back and appreciate our accomplishments as we gradually tick these things off.

4.    Delegate tasks: 

This can be tricky to do, however, a large contributor to stress is the notion that we have to do everything by ourselves. Take a look at your schedule or ‘to-do’ list and decide what can be handed on to somebody else.

5.    Work out a system: 

Spend some time organising your environment so that you have a space to work in that you appreciate, and to easily access any items you may need. Write down and establish a regular routine, carving out protected time for high-valued activities.

6.    Avoid procrastinating: 

Set yourself deadlines, use them to increase motivation, and add inbuilt rewards. Procrastinating important tasks adds to increased stress over time. Try instead tackling smaller, more manageable tasks regularly and build these into your routine (point number 5).

7.    Leave some wiggle room: 

Try not to fill up your timetable completely, and allow a little slack or leeway. This way if something crops up, it is less likely that you will feel overwhelmed, and you have the ability to be flexible if needed.

8.    Remember that it is ok to say ‘no’: 

Just because somebody asks you to do something, it does not mean that you have to say yes. Putting the values and activities of others above yourself means that you will more likely be deflected from what you really want to do. This may then lead to increases in stress as you move further away from your own values and goals. 

9.    Identify prime time:

Figure out when you work best and plan that time for your most demanding tasks. For example, if you work best early in the morning, schedule trickier or lengthier tasks in then. Similarly, allocate undemanding tasks to times when your energy levels may be low such as the afternoon.

 

10. Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect:

If you have to get everything absolutely right you may spend too much time on tasks that are not a priority. Try not to be bogged down in small details, missing out on the broader picture. For example, if you are writing a draft essay, don’t pay too much attention on structure or grammar – get down your ideas (perhaps in bullet point form) and come back to it later. Be kind to yourself!

11. Keep a balance: 

Keeping balance in your life will likely result in better use of your time overall. Vary and contrast activities in different areas of your life, spending time in a balance between work, home, leisure, physical activity and mental activity. Plan natural breaks during the day, relax at weekends and take holidays. You don’t have to be everything to everyone at all times. 

6 Tips For Coping With A Break-Up

There are few that escape the devastating pain of heartbreak. Whether it is from experiencing such loss firsthand, or witnessing a loved one go through it – it can be one of the hardest life episodes to navigate. 

Although there are few, if any, helpful ways to escape the pain, there are some steps to take to look after yourself in the event of a broken heart

1.    Give permission to yourself to grieve.

 Grief is an individual process that can look different for everyone. All emotions, of all intensities, are normal and acceptable. Judging yourself for feeling a certain way, creating expectations about how you “should” be coping and criticising yourself for being too sensitive are all so unhelpful and make an already difficult time more painful. Making space for your grief and having compassion for yourself in the process actually helps you move through the emotion more easily.

2.    Focus on people and activities that bring you joy.
Even if you’re unlikely to enjoy things to the level you used to, it’s important to keep connected to friends and family, and schedule activities and tasks that have brought you a sense of enjoyment and fulfillment in the past. Giving in to that urge to stay in bed with a box of tissues and litres of ice cream may be easier, but in the long-term will keep you stuck. 

3.    Keep a balanced mindset.

After a break-up it can be easy to get swept up in your emotional mind and focus on all the positives about the relationship, romanticize your ex-partner, and catastrophise about being single for the rest of your life. This kind of thinking can make you vulnerable to giving a second chance to a partner who doesn’t deserve it, allowing mistreatment and lowering your threshold for acceptable behaviour in a relationship. Be honest with yourself… how much of the time were you truly happy in your relationship? If you create a picture of your ideal relationship, how did your partner’s behaviour and commitment measure up? What would your advice to a friend be if they were in a similar situation? These exercises are all about connecting with your rational mind, to avoid being pushed around by your emotions and making choices you later regret. 

4.    Use the opportunity to reflect. 

If you could have your time again, what would you have done differently? What changes would you have made to the relationship? How can you use this information to make more helpful choices in the future? Every failed relationship is a step towards the right one, so use it as a learning opportunity towards your next relationship.

5.  Self-care, self-care, self-care.

Go back to basics to reduce your vulnerability to being overwhelmed by your emotions. Get enough sleep, exercise, fuel your body and mind with healthy food and don’t overdo the alcohol.

6.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

As humans, we’re designed to depend on others in times of difficulty. Don’t feel like you have to “be strong” and just deal with it yourself. Connect with friends and family, and consider professional help if your pain is causing you too much distress and getting in the way of your life. 

Warning Signs Of An Eating Disorder

Eating disorders are serious mental disorders that can have serious long-term medical consequences, and can even be fatal. They are not a lifestyle choice, a phase of adolescence, attempts to eat healthily, or an expression of vanity. Eating disorders are characterised by abnormal or disturbed eating behaviours, which are often associated with extreme concerns about weight, physical appearance and/or eating. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge-eating disorder are the most common eating disorders.

While it is still unclear exactly what causes eating disorders, there is growing consensus that they are due to a range of biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors. They can affect people of all ages (including before puberty), genders, religions, ethnicities, body shapes, and weights. Having said that, teenagers and young adults are particularly at risk, and eating disorders are more prevalent in young women.

It is common for people struggling with an eating disorder to try to hide their problem because they feel shame or guilt, or because they do not want to give up their behaviours. This can make it difficult to recognise the signs, particularly early on in the illness.

The earlier an eating disorder is detected, the better the chance of early intervention and successful recovery.

Awareness of some of the warning signs of an eating disorder is therefore very important.

The following signs are not intended to be used as a checklist to determine whether someone has an eating disorder. Symptoms will vary depending on the type of eating disorder being experienced, and an individual with an eating disorder is unlikely to have all of these signs. Rather, they may be used as a guide as to the types of behaviours and symptoms that suggest there may be a problem requiring further investigation.

Signs To Look For That May Indicate An Eating Disorder

• Insecure body image: Strong negative focus on weight, body size and shape, or specific aspects of their appearance. Preoccupation with themselves and/or others as being ‘fat’. A change in clothing style (e.g. wearing baggy clothes) to hide their body.

• Weight changes: Constant changes in weight, or rapid weight loss.

• Excessive exercise: Exercising compulsively (sometimes up to several hours a day), executing a set number of repetitive exercises, and/or becomes distressed if interrupted or unable to exercise.

• Food restriction: Keeping to increasingly strict diets (unrelated to actual weight), avoids specific food groups (e.g. carbohydrates), calorie counting, fasting, skipping meals, or lack of interest in food.

• Ritualistic eating patterns: Cutting food into tiny pieces (and not actually eating much) or careful measuring of food portions are examples of this.

• Cooking for others: Ongoing strong focus on food, recipes, or cooking. Preparing elaborate meals for others, but not joining in the eating.

• Avoiding eating in front of others: Avoids eating in public and finds ways to not eat with family or friends. Avoiding meals or situations where there will be food.

• Overeating/bingeing: Often (secretly) eats large amounts of food and seems to be out of control during these episodes. Eats when not hungry and/or eating to the point of discomfort.

• Eating secretively: This might be noticed by large amounts of food disappearing from the kitchen, having been eaten (e.g. finding empty food containers, packets or wrappers), or being hoarded.

• Purging: Using vomiting, laxatives, diuretics or diet pills in an attempt to compensate for eating. This may be noticed because purging often involves going to the bathroom during, or immediately after, eating.

• Social withdrawal: Becoming isolated, withdrawing from usual social activities, family and friends. This may be more obvious after eating or when others comment on their eating behaviours and/or appearance.

• Physical symptoms: Feeling light-headed, tired/lethargic, and/or easily cold. Changes in sleeping patterns. Girls/women may stop menstruating or develop an irregular cycle.

• Psychological signs: Low self-esteem, anxiety, low mood, irritability and feeling like life is out of control, may also accompany an eating disorder.

If someone you care about is displaying abnormal or disturbed eating habits, is avoiding eating, and/or is anxiously preoccupied with food, body weight or body shape, consider the possibility that they may be struggling with an eating disorder. Let the person know you are concerned about them in a calm, caring and clear manner. While you can be supportive and caring, it is also important that you encourage them to seek help from a trained professional. Consider talking to your GP or paediatrician in the first instance if it is your child you are concerned about.

Further information:

The Butterfly Foundation (https://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au)

Decreasing Daily Worries

Many of my clients come to sessions seeking support for their anxiety. Anxiety can hit people with intense force and leave them feeling overwhelmed and defenseless. But what do we do when we experience smaller niggling worries? When the concerns feel less intense but still insistent? When we don’t feel the need to seek professional support? 

Managing daily stressors helps to prevent worries from building up to become major concerns or anxiety. Read on to learn some strategies on managing your daily worries…

·     Try to pinpoint the worrying thought:Worries can sometimes be the result of half-formed ideas running around in your mind. It can be helpful to specify and then air out the worrying thought. Write down your top five worrying thoughts. Hopefully then the jumble of thoughts can be broken down into a specific worry to be addressed. Also, bringing the worry out into the open can relieve pressure on its own.

·     Look at the evidence:What is the evidence for your worry? Instead of assuming that the worry is true, have a look at the actual evidence. Try writing down on a sheet of paper the evidence for both sides of the argument. What is the probability that your thought is correct? Rate the thought on a percentage scale (0%–100%) in terms of how much you actually now believe it. 

·     Explore the worst possible outcome: What is the worst thing that could happen? Our imagination is usually worse than reality. Imagine walking into a dark deep cave. You might feel frightened because you can’t see what is stretching ahead of you. Imagine turning on a powerful torch, which shines on the walls, showing the limits of the cave. More often than not if we explore the worst possible outcome, we are still be able to manage it better than we think. 

o  E.g. “what if I fail my HSC exams” – 

§  You may be able to get provisions, 

§  You will be able to use previous grades for average, 

§  You will still be able to work towards your goal over time even if that means waiting a year or two – in the context of your entire life this is not very long!

·     Put yourself in somebody else’s shoes:What alternative views are there? How would someone else view this situation? How would your best friend view this situation? What advice would they give?

·     Cost-benefit analysis:What is the effect of thinking the way I do? Ask yourself: How will holding this thought help me and how will it hurt me? List the advantages and disadvantages of holding a particular worrying thought. Are the possible outcomes changed by holding onto the worry?

·     Set aside some ‘worry time’:Set aside a specific time of twentyish minutes as ‘dedicated worry time’. Write down worries as they arise during the day. Then during worry time tackle each worry as a problem to think hard about and solve. If you find yourself worrying at other times during the day, do your best to postpone that worry until the allotted time. Note: make sure not to schedule worry time too close to bed time.

·     Think in shades of grey:Am I thinking in all-or-nothing terms, or seeing things in a black or white fashion? Are you thinking of yourself as either ‘a total success’, or ‘a total failure’? This common style of distorted thinking misses out on the middle ground, the grey area between the black and white. Remind yourself that things are usually somewhere between 0% and 100%, and realistically rate where your worry is on that scale.

·     Visualise yourself in 1, 5 or 10 years:Will this worry matter in ten years’ time? Imagine that you are ten years older and are looking back to this time in your life. How important will this concern be in the long term? 

·     Turn worry into action:Ask yourself: Is there anything that I can do about this? Is there anything I can do to change the situation? Make a list of the things you could do. 

·     Distract yourself: If you have reached the conclusion that there is nothing that you can do, then distract yourself with something else. Our minds only have a limited capacity so if you start thinking about something else you can crowd out those worrying thoughts. Try messaging a friend, going for a walk, listening to music, looking at nice pictures, lighting a candle or colouring in.

·     Bring yourself back to the present moment:worrying can take you away from enjoying the present moment and make you miss out on things that are important to you. If you have tried all of the above tips and you are still having a difficult time with worrying – get out of your mind and back to the present moment . A nice way to do this is to use all of your 5 senses. Try and find 5 yellow things you can see, 4 things you can physically feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. The more difficult the better!

Remember:You have been through really hard things before and you have come out the other side. Worries will always come and go, but you have the tools to not let them rule your life.

Talking To Your Teen About Suicide

I have a lot of parents contact me following a suicide, looking for guidance about how to best support their teenager cope with such a tragedy.  The impact such an event has on family, friends, the school and local community is enormous. This can be a difficult conversation to have, so I’ve put together some talking points for navigating such an event. 

1. There is No Right Way to Grieve

• Some people might be very upset, some confused, some indifferent, and some unsettled. Everyone grieves in their own individual way. Common reactions include shock, disbelief, mood swings, guilt, anger and anxiety. 

• As everyone responds differently to grief, some individuals may want to talk about it, some may appear to be unaffected, some may withdraw and appear distant. All are normal responses. 

2. Grief Has Its Own Timeline

• It’s not uncommon for individuals to continue to experience ups and downs over weeks or months while dealing with grief.

• Most young people going through grief do not require professional support. However, if you are concerned about ongoing difficulty in a young person’s mood, thoughts or behaviour, it’s important to seek additional support. 

3. Start A Conversation About Suicide

• Many parents worry that talking directly about suicide, or asking if their child has ever had thoughts about suicide might plant ideas – this is not the case. 

• Talk about how mental health conditions like depression, eating disorders and anxiety can make someone think that suicide is the only way out. Talk about how this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and that there are effective treatment options available.

• Ask your child if they have ever had thoughts of suicide.

• Make it clear that you are always available to help and listen without judgment to any difficulties they may be having, and that they are never alone. Ask if there is anything you can do to make it easier for your teenager to talk to you about how they are feeling. 

4. Be Available And Supportive

• Encourage your young person to stay connected to friends and activities

• Provide some information about the nature of grief

• Validate how painful this must be for them, and allow them to take time to grieve

• Let them know you are available and willing to talk openly and honestly about how they are feeling

• Ask how you can best support them

• Check in from time to time to ask how they’re feeling

• Try and organise some fun activities to do together

• Don’t try and minimise their experience by saying things like “It’s not that bad” or “It’s time to move on”.

• Anticipate dates that might be particularly difficult (e.g. birthdays, anniversaries) and try and come up with a plan to manage them.  

• Explore ways of expressing grief that may resonate with your child – e.g. journaling, memorials, photos etc.

In summary, by understanding the nature of grief, having patience with the process, not being afraid to have difficult conversations and being available for your teenager, you will be meeting their needs as they go through a difficult time. 

If you are concerned and think your young person may need additional support, you can:

1.    Contact the Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800), Lifeline (13 11 14) or eHeadspace (eheadspace.org.au)

2.    See your local GP

3.   Talk to your School Counsellor  

The Power of the Pen: Journaling for Mental Health

Effective journaling usually involves keeping a diary or journal exploring the thoughts and feelings associated with events in your life. When done well, it can lead to various forms of self-awareness and clarity that can have significant positive effects in a range of areas, including with mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, PTSD and stress.

Some ways that effective journaling has positive impacts include:

·       Increasing your self-awarenessof thoughts and emotions towards different situations, and so clarifying the connections between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. This allows you to take more control over your life, and put things in perspective.

·       Teaching you about your triggersthat lead to negative experiences.

·       Identifying problematic thought patterns(e.g. negative automatic self-talk) so you can combat them and let them go. This can help you to shift from a negative mindest to a more positive one.

·       Calming and clearing your mind. Self-awareness, action and change are promoted by reducing the swirl of thoughts, worries or rumination.

·       Providing an opportunity for you to release pent-up negative emotions. This can help you to process what you are feeling and perhaps even start to look at more positive perspectives. Or, when exploring positive experiences, you can maximise and savour these. 

·       Use as a problem-solving tool. You might find it easier to hash out a problem and come up with solutions on paper (e.g. working through options, considering multiple possible outcomes, or examining pros and cons).

·       Helping you reduce specific sources of stress.

·       Helping you reach an important goal.

·       Increasing your understanding of your struggles and your successes.

·       Tracking your progress in achieving change and recording your journey.

Effective Journaling Tips

Effective journaling is more than just downloading all your thoughts onto a page. To promote effective journaling, you might like to consider some of the following:

·       Write at least once a day and for a set amount of time (around 5 minutes is a good starting point). Time yourself.

·       Write somewhere that is comfortable, private and free from distractions. Using a book and pen you like can help.

·       Don’t pressure yourself to journal about anything specific. Rather, write about what feels right in the moment.

·       If you’re struggling to get started, think about what is going on in your life, and explore your current thoughts and feelings. Consider what you are currently trying to achieve or what you are avoiding.

·       Write in any form or structure that you like. 

·       Try to write in the present tense (e.g. starting with wording like “At this moment…”, or “Today…” might help). 

·       Start sentences with “I” statements (e.g. “I feel…”, “I think…”, or “I want…”).

·       Take some time to reflect after writing. Read over what you have written, take a moment to be still and calm (maybe practice some calm breathing or mindfulness), and write a couple of sentences about what you notice or feel, and any actions you would like to take. 

·       Keep your journal private. You should be the only audience.

But, most importantly, effective journaling is personal and different approaches and styles work for different people. Find what works for you and explore your inner world.  Remember that if life gets in the way, and you don’t journal as often as you would like, you can get back to it at any time. You may be surprised at the benefits of even occasional journaling.

Where Did My Libido Go?

Lost that feeling of wanting to rip your partner’s clothes off, and wondering if there’s something wrong with you?

Our interest in and willingness to have sex changes from day to day, week to week, year to year. 

The meaning and importance of sex is different for everyone, but it can often play an important role in connectedness and intimacy in relationships. A loss of sexual desire can impact upon how close we feel to our partner, and can trigger negative patterns of communication and action.

If you’re concerned about a loss in sexual desire or arousal, take yourself through the following points to see if you get a clearer picture about what might be going on.

Sources of Sexual Desire

1.    Neurological System (the brain and nervous system) – This sets your baseline sex drive level. Your sexual appetite is then either turned up or down depending on activity in other brain areas. 

2.    Hormonal System – Age, medical conditions, medication, menstruation, pregnancy and breastfeeding all influence hormone levels which can change sexual desire.

3.   Physical Wellbeing – Pain, sickness, fitness, alcohol consumption, fatigue and medication can all influence sex drive. 

4.    Personal Wellbeing

-      Thoughts and Feelings: The kind of thought patterns going on for you, and the emotions that you’re experiencing, can either make sex and intimacy more or less likely. Body image, self-esteem, and emotional wellbeing are all key contributors.

-      Lifestyle and Environment: Privacy, time, work/life balance, comfort and general life satisfaction are all important elements that provide the foundation for sexual desire or a lack of it. 

5.    Relationship Wellbeing – How close do you currently feel to your partner? What are your conversations like? Do you feel supported and listened to? Do you have fun together? Is there adequate trust, commitment and acceptance? Intimacy and satisfaction within your relationship are prerequisites for desire and arousal. 

After taking an inventory, you may have identified one or two (or more!) variables that may be responsible for your sexual desire suffering. The good news is, by working on these, it is possible to resurrect your drive. If you need help getting back on track, a clinical psychologist can help support you reclaim your libido. 

Boosting Mood: A call to action!

There is abundant research showing that changing what we do every day can change how we feel. But when your mood is low it can be difficult to imagine doing much, as your energy and motivation are often low too. Low mood can stop you from doing many of the things you used to enjoy – the very things that could boost your mood – and cause you to avoid everyday tasks and responsibilities. For example, you might avoid socialising as you don’t feel up to it, or you might sit in a house surrounded by mess as you can’t find the motivation to clean up.

By reducing your activity level you no longer get the positive experiences, pleasant feelings and sense of purpose and accomplishment from doing things. You can feel overwhelmed by the mounting pile of unfinished tasks. Your energy and motivation can suffer. Life may no longer seem like fun.

In this way you can get stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of decreased activity and low mood. Happily, simply by increasing your level of positive activities and experiences, even by doing small things, you can start to fight depression and boost your mood. By doing things you can start to feel like you are moving forward, are competent, and that you are taking control of your life. You can think about different things, think more clearly, and start to enjoy what you’re doing. Being active will also help to increase your energy and combat your lethargy.

While this appears to be a simple recipe for success, it can only be achieved if you do it in a manageable and realistic way.

Key steps towards being more active and tips for success

1. Start Small

When your mood is low it is a good idea not to aim too high when you first start increasing your activity level. The idea is to start doing things, and gain a sense of achievement. If you start with easier activities and build up to a goal you are more likely to succeed. For example, you might start by walking around the block and build up to walking a kilometre. You can also break activities down into smaller steps or ‘chunks’ so that they are more manageable and less overwhelming. For example, if the idea of cleaning the bathroom is too daunting, you could start by cleaning the sink or changing the towels. Sometimes it is easier to aim to do an activity for a set amount of time, rather than to achieve a particular outcome. For example, aim to iron for 10 minutes rather than to iron all the shirts.

2. Write a list of activities you feel you could do.

Identify a range of activities, including some fun, enjoyable activities (for example, having a bath, reading a book, phoning a friend, going to the beach), and some tasks that need to be done (for example, paying a bill, doing some chores, doing some gardening). These latter activities will give you a sense of achievement and allow you to start to feel more in control. Choose activities that are enjoyable and/or important. This way they are more likely to be rewarding and it will be easier to motivate yourself to do them. As you build up your activities it can be helpful to choose activities that fulfil something that is of value to you, in areas of your life such as relationships, physical health, or work. For example, you might identify being a supportive friend as something you value, in which case phoning or sending a card to a friend who is going through a difficult time would be an activity that would be in line with this value.

3. Plan to complete each activity at specific times.

By choosing a specific time to do an activity, and putting this on a calendar or planner, you will be more likely to do it. Doing this on a weekly basis will make it more manageable and also means you can adjust the activities as you modify your goals.

4. Involve others in your planned activities.

If you feel accountable for completing your activities, you will be more likely to do so. This could simply mean letting someone else know about your plan, or could involve someone more directly. For example, arranging to go for a walk or see a movie with a friend will provide more motivation to do these activities.

5. Measure your mood.

Rating (on a scale of 0-10) your mood/depression, feelings of enjoyment and sense of achievement before and after completing a planned activity will help you to notice the effect of completing activities on your mood. This may contribute to making you feel better and keeping you motivated.

By increasing our activity levels, we can feel more positive, focused and accomplished, and have more energy. So, don’t wait to feel better before getting active. Now is the time to get back the activities you used to enjoy and start emerging back to happiness, focus and motivation.

Tips On Growing Closer To Your Partner

In my last blog, I described some useful techniques for communicating effectively in relationships (please read below). Continuing along this theme, this month I will be describing some effective tools to maintain closeness within your relationship. Whether you are a new couple or you have been together for many years, there is always room to grow closer. Keep reading for some simple yet effective ideas for growing closer to your partner.

1. Accept your similarities and differences

Accepting that our partners are different from ourselves is important. Think about your partners’ interests, skills, likes, dislikes, personality, values, and temperament. If you find yourself wanting to change any of these things about your partner, try instead to think about all of the reasons these attributes attracted you to them in the first place. Reflect on how these differences help you to learn and grow as an individual and together in your relationship.

2. Encourage and compliment pleasing behaviour

Let your partner know how much you appreciate it when they empty the dishwasher or leave their shoes outside. Comments like this mean that your partner is more likely to engage in this behaviour again, and also helps them to feel appreciated and noticed.

3. Improve physical intimacy

Growing closer physically is just as important as growing closer emotionally. Physical intimacy and sex improves both physical and emotional closeness in relationships. There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ sexual relationship, but there is always space to grow closer through physical intimacy. Try some of these tips to enhance your physical intimacy:

• Even if it can feel awkward, communicate! Talk about what you do and don’t like, your needs, and what you might like to try. Think about looks, clothes, touching, kissing, stroking, manners, environment, sexual acts, foreplay, or after sex.

• If one or both of you are experiencing lowered libido, focus instead on the sensations of touch. Spend time just touching and stroking each other, use a massage oil. Resist the temptation to engage in intercourse, climax or touch each others’ genitals. Just enjoy the feeling of their skin touching yours, and the feelings of physical closeness

4. Be spontaneous

Being spontaneous and making decisions on a whim can help bring excitement and vitality in your relationship. Engaging in new experiences together also enhances feelings of closeness. The next time you both get home from work, instead of having dinner at home - why not take it to the local park instead? Some other ideas you might like to try together could include:

• Going for a walk

• Going camping

• Having a bath

• Cooking a special meal

• Going to a movie

• Playing a card game

• Painting

• Dancing in the kitchen

• Giving each other a massage

• Playing a game of tennis

5. Set aside time to go on a date

If being spontaneous is tricky, prioritise spending time together by making plans to go on a date. These plans should be put into your schedule and stuck to, just in the same way going to work would be. They are plans that can’t be broken and should be put above everything else. Try any of the ideas above, or:

• Go for a drive to the hills

• Visit an arcade

• Go to a museum or art gallery

• Visit a trampoline park

• Take a class together

• Watch the sunset

• Visit a farmers’ market

• Go for a bike ride

• Play mini golf

• Visit an observatory

• Make a homemade pizza

6. Demonstrate acts of appreciation

You chose to be with your partner for a reason – remind them and yourself why that is. Showing your affection though acts of kindness can improve your bond and remind yourself why you got together in the first place. Try any of the following acts of appreciation:

• Kiss or touch when saying goodbye or returning

• Surprise them with a note or card

• Ask them about their day and discuss what happened

• Plan a night out for them

• Compliment them on their appearance

• Cuddle them and be affectionate without sex

• Touch hands when talking or walking

• Make your partner a cup of tea or a drink

• Ask them for advice

• Tell them during the day when something reminds you of them

• Look after your partner when they are unwell

• Joke with them, be playful

• Do your fair share of work around the home

• Ask about their personal feelings and problems

• Make them a playlist of their favourite songs

• Buy them a book you think they would love

Why You Shouldn't Be A Perfect Parent

Parenting is an incredibly important and demanding job that can seem overwhelming considering the level of responsibility involved.  Holding my newborn baby I was struck by a combination of awe and fear – how can I possibly be strong enough, wise enough, patient enough and energetic enough to be the parent this incredible being deserves?

Research consistently emphasises the importance of secure attachment between caregiver and child in promoting emotion regulation, mental health and positive relationships later in life.  

Knowing the momentous role parenting plays, I became acutely aware of the internal and external pressures to be a perfect parent. As a psychologist, I knew that I had to manage this so that the pursuit of perfection didn’t negatively impact upon my parenting. 

The Unhelpful Consequences of Pursuing Perfection

·     Anxiety – Working hard to achieve perfection and worrying about whether or not you’re doing it right isn’t going to help your child feel more secure. It only creates a state of mind that children pick up on. Children pay attention to our actions, but they pay more attention to the state of mind behind our actions. Secure parenting is about being relaxed, and trusting that we’re good enough.

·     Mindset - We view mistakes as problematic examples of our lacking ability, rather than lessons for our children and ourselves that cement security and facilitate good relationships. It’s not avoiding ruptures that promotes healthy psychological development but being sure to make repairs. Repair simply means acknowledging that we made a mistake and then returning to “good-enough” parenting once more. In this way, you’re helping your child develop a resilient sense of self that trusts mistakes are a normal part of genuine relationships. 

·     Shame and Guilt – Inevitable consequences of expecting perfection. This can take the form of berating ourselves, or pretending we don’t make mistakes and finding someone else to blame (our children, our partner, our upbringing). Blame has never helped a parent become a better parent.  

·     Modelling – We unintentionally communicate to our children that perfection is important, setting up an unrealistic and unhelpful framework for navigating life and relationships.  

·     Shifts the focus from “being” to “doing” – the pressure to “get it right” requires constant doing – managing behaviour, reading up on parenting techniques, and so on. “Being with” our children, focusing on their needs in the moment, allows the sensitive attunement and responsiveness most important to building secure attachment. Being-With means sitting still – not trying to change your child’s experience but accepting it and showing that you’re here with them in it as another human being who struggles with similar feelings. 

More important than the parenting approach we take, is who we are and how we feel as we make that choice. It is our intention to do what’s best for our children that matters. 

Modelling perfection and the pursuit of it does not promote healthy development. Our children don’t need perfection. They need to trust in our commitment to their legitimate needs.

What Promotes Secure Attachment?

·     Calm, responsive confidence 

·     Relaxing into bonding with your child

·     Underlying positive intentionality  

I’ve found that asking myself these questions when I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious can help ground myself in what my daughter needs from me, rather than worrying about getting it right:

o  “Is this about your need to be a good parent or about your child’s actual need in this particular moment?”

o  “Are you so anxious that you’re doing whatever you’re doing to make sure you don’t do it wrong, or are you focusing on what is actually needed here?”

The take away message is that pursuing perfection creates anxiety, takes the focus away from what’s most important for developing secure attachment, and provides unhelpful role modeling. So trust in yourself, focus on being-with your child, and meet mistakes with kindness, understanding and compassion!

3 Essential Skills for Healthy Communication in Relationships

Communication is key to any significant relationship in life, whether it be communicating with your significant other, child, sibling, parent or friend. All relationships come with their ups and downs, but refining your communication skills can help strengthen your bond, and make it easier to manage conflict.

Healthy communication may also prevent unnecessary conflict from arising in the first place. Communicating effectively can be broken down into three key components:

1. Listen

2. Express

3. Accept

1. Listen

Listen – really listen – to what the other person is saying. Effective listening is an active, not passive, skillset made up of a number of parts. The quality of your listening greatly affects the nature of the communication from the person speaking to you. Some important skills to keep in mind when actively listening include:

·     Look at the person when they are speaking

·     Be encouraging – nod your head, say “yes” and “hmm”

·     Be patient and refrain from interrupting 

·     Try not to excessively question, and if you must do so, use open-ended questions. Try asking “how do you feel about that?’ instead of saying “do you feel sad?”

·     Rather than attempting to offer solutions and solving problems, really just listen 

·     After closely listening to the person, reflect back, paraphrase and validate their emotions and meanings, eg, “It sounds like (situation) has been really difficult for you, its understandable that you might feel (emotion)”

2. Express

Being able to express how you feeland what you think(two individual matters) is crucial in communicating effectively. There are certain communication spoilers, which can have a negative impact on expressing yourself in a helpful way. Try to keep the following in mind: 

·     Be positive - stay away from judging, blaming, name calling or criticising the other person

·     Use specificstatements that label a person’s behaviour(nottheir character), the way that behaviour impacts your feelingsand why

o  “I feel [emotion], when you [specific behaviour], because…”

o  E.g. instead of saying “You’re so messy!” try “I feel disrespected when you leave your socks on the floor because keeping our home tidy is very important to me”

o  Sometimes it may be difficult to articulate why you feel a certain way due to the other persons behaviour, that’s ok, in that instance still try “I feel[emotion]when you[specific behaviour]”

·     Try to choose a time when you are not feeling overwhelmed or tired so that you are more likely to express yourself accurately

3. Accept

Accept the other person’s opinions and feelings even when - perhaps especiallywhen - they are different from your own. Relationships are healthiest when both sides are able to openly and assertively express themselves (read my previous blogs for assertive communication tips). 

It is critical to understand that your partner/child/sibling/parent/friend will never be exactly the same as you in the way they feel or think about things. This is what makes relationships fun and interesting! Accepting who they are and tolerating the differences, and the occasional resulting frustration, is an essential key for relationships to flourish

5 Point Plan for Parents with Children in Therapy

First of all – congratulations for being a proactive parent and seeking extra support for your child! We know how challenging the journey can be. As a heads-up from us, these are the things you’ll want to know when your child engages in therapy. 

1.    Your child is the client, not you

Ok there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it. I know, I hear you, you’re the one paying for sessions. But here’s the thing. Unless your child trusts us and feels comfortable and safe talking to us, we’re not going to get anywhere. 

2.    You’re on a need-to-know basis

(At least initially). You will always be informed if there is any risk to your child or anyone else. 

3.    We want you involved

Let’s face it, we might be with your child for one hour a week for a while, but you’re doing the long hours day in, day out. We want you trained as the therapist at home. Involvement can take different forms, depending on what works for you and your child. 

4.    Change doesn’t happen overnight

Think about how long it has taken to train your partner (or is that still a work in progress?). Behaviour is complex and takes time and practice to change. 

5.    You can’t fix this for your child

Now this is the hard bit. Take a breath and hold yourself gently. You can’t take away their pain. Sometimes the most you can do is be with your child in their distress, tell them you love them, and listen to them. That’s tough to accept. But think of it this way – pain is an inevitable part of life. This is an opportunity for your child to develop the resilience to manage difficulty, increasing their capacity to cope.

You’re the expert in your child, we have expertise in the skills that can take them towards wellness. Together, we can form a powerful team.

Kids and Bullying

It’s never okay to bully someone. Some think that name calling is okay and we should just shrug it off. However, I have had clients in their 70’s and 80’s vividly recalling names they were repeatedly called when they were children. These mean, nasty words can stick. When I was a child you could feel safe from the bully when you arrived home from school but that’s not the case today. In today’s world our kids are not only bullied in the playground but they’re bullied 24 hours a day via the internet and mobile phones. 

There are four main types of bullying:

1.    Verbal bullying - includes name calling, teasing, insults and intimidation

2.    Physical bullying - includes pushing, hitting, tripping, pinching, and damaging or taking the victim’s belongings

3.    Social bullying - includes spreading rumours, excluding the victim from peer groups, and playing nasty pranks on the victim

4.    Cyber-bullying - uses the internet or mobile phones to harass or intimidate the victim. This includes sending nasty or threatening messages/emails, prank calling the victim, sending private messages/photos/emails of the victim to others, being deliberately ignored on social media, or posting mean or nasty comments or pictures on social media

Cyber-bullying is on the rise. A recent survey found that 1 in 10 Australia adolescents reported being cyber-bullied. This same survey found that 1 in 4 students had been bullied by their peers in one form or another. 

As a parent I know how awful and powerless it feels to discover your child has been the victim of bullying. You can also feel guilty for not noticing that your child had been bullied earlier rather than finding out after the bullying had become well and truly entrenched. 

If you notice your child suddenly becomes unwell on a frequent basis, is increasingly irritable, is reluctant to go to school, their grades have dropped, has changed friendship groups, has nightmares or trouble sleeping, or unexplained cuts and bruises, there’s a chance they may be being bullied. These signs may indicate another concern, so the first thing to do is to talk with your child. They may resist this as they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable but trust your instincts. If they won’t talk with you, talk with their school.  If they do talk with you, listen calmly. 

Reassure your child they haven’t done anything wrong. Notify their teacher so the school can take action to prevent it from occurring in the future. Discuss ways your child can avoid being bullied such as playing in a different area, staying near the teacher, avoiding being alone. Help your child come up with solutions rather than giving them the answer. This will help with their problem-solving skills and may create a sense of mastery over the situation. Help your child see the consequences for any action they take. For example, confronting a bully and calling them names make things worse, but telling the bully that what they doing is not okay may ease things.  If bullying is happening online, contact the website administrators as most of them have anti-harassment policies. 

Lastly, lets teach our children not to stand back and watch someone being bullied. Let the bully know that it is not okay to behave that way. When they see someone bullying another they can calmly say “that’s not cool” to the bully and invite the victim to play with them. Bullies often put down others in order to inflate their self-esteem. By taking away their sense of power, you have taken away their incentive to bully that person.

Our main priority should be to help our children feel safe and secure. Keeping a level head when you speak to your child will help reinforce they did the right thing by talking with you. It will also help reassure them they can come to you in the future with other problems.

Changing Your Relationship With Unhelpful Thoughts

Do you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts and letting them control how you behave? 

This happens to all of us, and reflects our tendency to experience our thoughts as the truth, or facts. When we get this attached or ‘fused’ to our thoughts, they become a powerful force that dominates our choices and actions. This is particularly problematic when our thoughts are negative. Typically this involves labelling and judging ourselves, others and situations in a global, and unhelpful, way.  For example, thoughts such as ‘I’m going to fail’, ‘they’re judging me’ or ‘I’m not good enough’. 

While these thoughts are not problematic in themselves, when we get caught up in them and ‘buy into’ them, they can take control of our life and actions, and stop us from seeing other possibilities.

‘Cognitive defusion’ is all about recognising that thoughts are just thoughts. This does not mean that they cannot be emotional, factual or helpful. But viewing thoughts as simply images or words that pass through our mind allows us to see that they can only take on meaning or power if we let them. We don’t have to act on our thoughts, however compelling or urgent they may seem. Your thoughts do not have any power over you – it is your choice to engage with them, or ‘unhook’ from them.

A way of conceptualising this is to use your hands as a metaphor for your problematic thoughts. Place your hands in your lap, side-by-side with the palms facing upwards. Now bring your hands up to your face and cover your eyes so you can only catch glimpses of the world through your fingers. Notice how hard it is to see anything other than your hands (thoughts), how they dominate your view of the world and how cut-off you are from other inputs. This represents your fusion with your thoughts. Imagine how limiting it would be to walk around like this every day. Now, as you slowly return your hands to your lap notice how, as the distance between your eyes and hands/thoughts increases, you can take in more information and connect with your environment, enabling a choice of actions. This represents the defusion process. Note that your hands/thoughts are still there and available if they are needed, they are just not dominating your experience. You can take some space from your thoughts and consider other inputs, choices and actions.

Cognitive defusion is all about taking distance from, looking at and simply noticing your thoughts and thinking processes. This prevents you from getting caught up in your thoughts and allows you to make more objective decisions about how you would like to act. 

Some ways to practice defusion

Do your unhelpful thoughts seem as powerful or painful after trying these?

1. Notice the thought

Take your thought and put the phrase “I’m having the thought that…” or “I notice I am having the thought that…” before it. For example, instead of saying “I’m worthless” say “I notice I am having the thought that I am worthless”. This creates some space between you and your thought and changes your relationship with the thought.

2. Say it differently

Take your thought and say it slowly or in a silly (e.g. chipmunk) voice. 

3. Pop-up thoughts

Envisage your unhelpful thoughts as internet pop-up ads. Imagine closing the pop-up windows.

4. Thank your mind

When your mind presents you with a negative or painful thought, say “thank you mind”, perhaps even using a slightly sarcastic tone.

5. Mindful watching

Mindfulness (see the earlier blog on this) involves quietly observing your thoughts without judging them. Try doing this for a few minutes, noticing when you judge a thought or try to control your thoughts, and then gently bringing your attention back to observing your thoughts as they come and go. Imagining your thoughts as passing leaves on a stream, clouds floating past in the sky, or trains coming and going in a station can help you to focus on mindful watching without ‘fusing’ with the thoughts.

6. Passengers on the bus

Imagine you are driving a bus (your life journey) and your thoughts are passengers. Some of the passengers are lovely, but many of them are difficult and noisy, and even try to tell you how to drive the bus. You can try to control the passengers or argue with them, or you can realise that the passengers can’t make you do anything. You can focus on driving the bus towards your destination, stopping when and where you choose to.

Emotional Eating: The Signs and What to do

Do you tend to reach for ice cream when you’re feeling down? Drive to pick up some fast food after a stressful day? Order a pizza when you’re feeling bored or lonely? Do you eat when you’re not hungry or when you’re full? Do you feel out of control around food? Does food make you feel safe?

Emotional or stress eating occurs when you are not hungry to fulfill another need. You may be eating to satisfy unpleasant emotions, or relieve stress or boredom. This blog will help to identify the signs that you may be eating for one of these reasons, and what to do about it if so. 

The Signs of Emotional Eating

Emotional hunger:

·     Comes on suddenly and can feel urgent and overwhelming

·     Often leads to guilt, shame or regret

·     Will keep you wanting to eat more and more

·     Will typically lead to mindless eating

·     Will have you craving specific or comforting foods

·     Is not located in the stomach

After eating to relieve guilt, stress, boredom, or intense emotions you tend to feel worse. You have not been able to remedy the original emotional issue, and you may have eaten more than you anticipated. Using food to celebrate or reward yourself occasionally is not always a bad thing. However, using food as your primary coping strategy leaves the original issues unaddressed.  But don’t fear! There are three key steps to taking the power back over emotional eating.

Steps to Reduce Emotional Eating

1.    Begin with identifying your emotional eating triggers. Some common triggers include:

·     Eating as a way to temporarily silence or push down strong emotions

·     Eating to relieve boredom, loneliness or fill an empty void 

·     Eating as a reward for good behaviour

·     Eating driven by childhood nostalgia

·     Eating driven by stress

·     Eating because everyone around you is eating

2.    Once you have identified your triggers for emotional eating, you need to find other ways to fulfill the emotions that eating is trying to satisfy. Some alternatives to emotional eating include:

·     Eating as a way to push down strong emotions: instead try and notice the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you, instead of pushing them away. Check in with what is going on for you emotionally. The thoughts or feelings may be uncomfortable, but they are there to indicate that something important is happening in your life. Let these emotions be there, experience them fully, know that they will become less intense, and will always eventually pass.

·     Eating driven by boredom, loneliness or emptiness: instead try reading a book, exploring nature, calling someone you care about, patting an animal or visiting a pet store, looking at beautiful pictures, or doing something creative.

·     Eating as a reward for good behaviour: treat yourself to something else such as a trip to the beach, going to a movie, buying a magazine or getting a manicure or haircut.

·     Eating driven by childhood nostalgia: instead look at old photographs, make a scrapbook, do a drawing, colour something in, do a jigsaw puzzle, call close relatives like a sibling, aunty or cousin, cuddle a childhood blanket or soft toy, read a favourite book from your childhood, or smell a familiar perfume or candle.

·     Eating driven by stress: instead try calming activities like taking a hot bath, having a cup of tea, lighting candles, colouring in, doing a jigsaw puzzle, curl up in a warm blanket, or do some yoga or meditation.

·     Eating because everyone around you is eating: remove yourself from the situation if you are able, otherwise hold something in your hand like a glass of water, and engage in meaningful conversation with those around you.

3. Practice Eating Mindfully

Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or a block of chocolate and before you know it, without realising, the whole thing is gone? It is likely that your mind is preoccupied with other things when you are eating due to stress, boredom, or unpleasant emotions. Mindfulness is the opposite of automatic pilot mode. It is about experiencing the world that is firmly in the here and now. Mindful eating will help to remind you to remain in the present moment, and enjoy the experience of eating that will more reliably alert you to becoming full. Some tips for eating mindfully include:

·     Reflect upon how you are feeling right now

·     Sit and appreciate your food without multi-tasking

·     Turn off anything with a screen – phone, television, kindle or computer

·     Serve out all of your meal into a portion on your plate instead of eating food straight out of a box – you will get to see how much you are actually eating and appreciate it more because it is not hidden away

·     Pick a smaller plate to serve your portion – you may crave less food if you see less

·     Give gratitude – either mentally or in person to how the food appeared in front of you. Did someone you care about create it? Or was it farmers, labourers, animals or mother nature? Take a mindful moment to consider how this food was made for you to enjoy

·     Try to chew each bite at least 10 times and make it last

·     Between each bite put down your knife and fork until you have swallowed each mouthful

·     Don’t feel like you have to clear your entire plate – consider the joy of having leftovers tomorrow. Many of us were taught we must clear the plate due to others in need – however in that particular moment feeling uncomfortably full won’t help anyone

·     Try and eat your meal in silence. Acknowledge any thoughts that come to mind (and there will be plenty) and just gently bring your attention back to your meal. Notice the colours, textures, smells, any sounds, tastes and observe them with purposeful curiosity. Investigate these sights, sounds, smells, tastes and textures as if you have never experienced the food before, or if you were to describe it to someone else who has never experienced it before.