Exercising Our Mental Health

Regular exercise plays an important part in sustaining good physical and mental health. Most people are aware that activity leads to a decreased risk of diabetes, obesity, cancer, and heart disease. However, regular exercise also plays a pivotal role in sustaining good mental health. It can relieve stress, improve your memory, boost your overall mood, as well as positively impacting anxiety and ADHD. 

While you are exercising, your brain produces chemicals that improve your mood and it also stimulates brain areas that are responsible for memory and learning. People who exercise regularly tend to be motivated to continue to exercise due to the overall sense of well-being that exercise provides them. They sleep better, have sharper memories, and feel more positive about their lives. Plus, there is the added benefit of increasing levels of self-esteem from knowing you are doing something good for yourself and perhaps gaining a slimmer waistline in the process! 

Regular exercise has been shown to treat clinical depression as effectively as antidepressant medication. It releases chemicals called endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine which create feelings of happiness and euphoria. These same ‘feel good’ chemicals also help alleviate the symptoms of anxiety by improving your mood, and relieving tension and tight muscles that stress tends to bring on. The endorphins released during physical activity also improve your natural ability to sleep, which helps to reduce the impact of stress on our bodies. 

Norepinephrine is another chemical released when exercising and this is thought to assist our bodies deal with stress more efficiently. Increased levels of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, produced during physical activity, are thought to improve attention and concentration. Not only is this good news for alleviating that “foggy” brain that people with depression and anxiety tend to experience, but it’s also good for those with attention disorders such as ADHD. Learning and memory functions are also improved, and new brain cells are created. This is great news for slowing age-related decline in memory and thinking.

Exercise is also a great way to practice mindfulness. Instead of replaying that terrible presentation over and over in your head while you are walking or jogging in the park, tune in to the here and now by focusing on what you can see and hear. Or take the time to notice your feet hitting the ground, the way your arms move in front and behind you, the movement of your torso, or your breath as you inhale and exhale.  Focusing on the present moment while you exercise is associated with better mental health benefits.  

The Australian government recommends 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days of the week. The 30 minutes can be made up over the day in smaller blocks. If you’re tired aim for five or ten minutes and build your way up from there. If you haven’t exercised for a long time or you have any pre-existing health conditions it’s a good idea to visit your GP for a check-up prior to commencing any exercise program.

Moving Toward A Life With Meaning

By living your life according to your values you can have a more meaningful and fulfilled life, and this can lead to increased wellbeing and resilience.

What Do We Mean By Values?

Values relate to what we want our lives to be about and who we want to be, like a guide to our best life. They’re not about goals or what we think we could or should want, but rather what we care about, think is important and would like to work towards. Looking into your deepest wishes, what do you want for yourself?

It’s important to note that there are no right or wrong values. They are not determined by others’ expectations or what we think is the ‘right’ thing to be doing. Each person’s values are their own choice, and are unique to them. Values are also not goals. They are directions or guiding principles in life that are ongoing, unlike goals that can be achieved or accomplished.

How To Identify Your Values

Here are some common value areas (not all of them may apply to you):

• Intimate relationships

• Parenting

• Family relationships

• Friends

• Work

• Education

• Fun/leisure

• Community

• Spirituality

• Health

There are many more potential values, but these provide a good starting point for identifying some of your key values.

Consider how you would like to be in each of these areas of your life, assuming there were no obstacles. For example: What personal attributes would you like to bring to each area? What type of relationships would you like to build? What would you like to learn or be surrounded by? How do you relax? What do you enjoy? How would you like to look after yourself? Why are these things important to you?

By asking these types of questions about each relevant area of your life, you will start to build a picture of your values and what you find meaningful to move towards in your life.

How To Start Moving Towards Your Values

We move towards our values by making choices and undertaking actions that move us in the desired direction. Actions can be very simple and observable steps that are consistent with your values. For example, ‘talking with my partner over dinner’, ‘going to sleep earlier’, ‘listening to my children without interrupting’, or ‘walking in nature’.

So plan some actions or steps you can undertake that would move you in the direction of some of your values. Start with simple actions and add to these as you move along your value paths.

Why Might It Be Important To Try And Align Our Lives With Our Values?

If you don’t live a life consistent with your most important values you are likely to experience feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and a lack of purpose or meaning. All of these affect your overall wellbeing.

Importantly, however, if you are moving in a direction consistent with your values, you are better able to cope with painful or difficult experiences as you continue to provide meaning in your life. You do not need to ‘fix’ any difficulties you might be experiencing (e.g. anxiety, depression, disordered eating) before having a worthwhile life if you are able to continue to move in a meaningful and fulfilling direction.

You may also be better able to challenge yourself in order to act in line with your long-term best interests and values. For example, if nurturing friendships is an important value to you, you might challenge your preference to isolate yourself so you can be there for a friend’s birthday.

5 Quick Tips For Setting Goals

Continuing on from an earlier blog (read ‘New Year, New You? Tips for looking after yourself in 2019’ below), the beginning of a new year is typically a time of reflection and goal setting. Setting goals can be a really helpful activity if you feel like you’re lacking direction, if you are feeling overwhelmed with how much is going on, or if you have some big tasks or goals you want to get started with. This blog shares some important tips on setting yourself goals, to help maximise your ability to reach them. 

1. Start by listing the things that you have achieved that have gone really well over the last six months or so. It is important to celebrate the successes you are already achieving in your life. Think about your relationships, friendships, hobbies, mental health, physical health, self-care – what are you already doing really well at?

2. Don’t get caught up in big, overwhelming things – when we set goals, sometimes we think they need to be really big, and this can be too much to process. Sometimes ideas about what we want in life can be so overwhelming that we avoid taking steps to achieving goals altogether. First consider smaller, more manageable goals. For example, do you want to be more socially active with friends? Instead of planning a party, how about setting yourself the goal of sending a message to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.

3. Think about what you don’t want – if you’re having trouble figuring out what your goals are, then think about the things in your life that aren’t bringing you joy, then turn those things around into positive things you want to achieve. For example, if you no longer want to argue with your partner, set the positive goal of “I want to communicate more effectively with my partner”. This might then include an interim goal of attending couples therapy.

4. Most people have heard this tip at one point or another, and as simplistic as it might seem set SMART goals. You would be surprised how important setting SMART goals can be to get you off on the right foot! Here are some tips on setting SMART goals:

• Specific – be very clear with what you want to achieve, consider breaking the goal down into smaller steps

• Measurable – how will you know when you have achieved your goal? What will be different? What would others notice about you? What will you be doing less of? What will you be doing more regularly?

• Achievable – consider setting smaller goals on the road to achieving bigger ones. Celebrate those successes! Don’t set yourself up to fail by making your goals too big to start off with. If you don’t achieve the goal you set out – what could you do differently that would help you be more likely to succeed next time?

• Realistic and Resourced – is the goal achievable with the resources you have? Are there any other resources you need before you are able to achieve your goal? Or anything else that will help you on your way? How can you get access to these resources? What can you do to minimise any obstacles?

• Time Limited – set a specific timeframe and a reasonable amount of time to reach your goal. Consider setting different time limits for different steps of your goal.

5. Celebrate your wins! This is just as an important step as any of the others when it comes to goal setting. Every time you reach one of the goals in your timeline, celebrate! Dance, go for coffee with a friend, or give yourself some positive self-talk. Just remember to do this as soon as you achieve this goal. If you are able to celebrate every win immediately, your brain will start to associate achieving goals with positive emotions, and you will be more likely to continue the habits that have contributed to achieving your goal. Remember - you have worked really hard, celebrate! You deserve it!

PRO-TIP: People don’t fail, only plans fail! If things aren’t going to plan, have a good think about what is getting in the way, and make a new plan J

Why Me?

A question I hear over and over from clients is “Why Me?”… “Why is everyone else happy and enjoying life and I’m not?”, “Why am I struggling so much when everyone else has everything together?”, “What’s wrong with me?!”.

First of all – you are not alone. I wish everyone could see inside everyone’s lives like I get to. An instagram feed is not a true reflection of what someone’s life really looks like! In Australia, it’s estimated that 45% of people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime. That’s almost 1 in every 2 people! Inner worlds are often so different to the outer world we project to others. So comparing your inner world to the artificial and carefully curated outer worlds of those around you is not only unhelpful but entirely inaccurate. 

Secondly, you are not defective or broken because you are struggling emotionally. There are so many variables that can increase your vulnerability to mental illness, many of which are out of your control. I work with clients to understand the factors that may contribute to the development of their mental health difficulties. 

·     Genetics– Current research estimates that 50% of mental health difficulties can be attributed to genetic factors. This estimate varies depending on the specific disorder, and is likely to change as we understand more about epigenetics. Generally, a family history of mental illness means you may be more vulnerable.

·     Pregnancy, birth & early childhood– Maternal stress and diet, delivery, and your first months in the world all play a role in your vulnerability to mental illness. The availability and responsiveness of caregivers, environment and presence of traumatic events are all important to consider.

·     Life Experiences– As we experience the world, we form beliefs about ourselves, the world and our place in the world. These beliefs then act as filters, to influence memory, perception, attention and interpretation. Generally, negative experiences can lead to the development of negative beliefs, which can result in negative thought patterns, emotions and behaviours that can perpetuate and strengthen unhelpful belief structures. Negative beliefs about ourselves, our world and our place in the world are significant risk factors for developing mental illness. 

·     Personality– Personality style is a combination of genes and environment, and can influence thinking patterns, coping style, behaviours and relationships – all of which affect risk. 

·     Social Support– Having a good support system is an important protective factor. A sense of belonging and community forms a key role in our level of resilience. 

·     Self-Esteem– Beliefs, experiences and personality all affect our self-concept. Having low self-esteem is a another risk factor for mental illness.   

·     Lifestyle – Diet, exercise, sleep, physical health and how consistent our everyday life is with our values are all additional important factors. 

These are just some of the variables that play important roles in determining someone’s vulnerability to mental illness. Everyone’s loading on these factors varies, and the degree to which different variables impact on individuals also varies. They can also impact on each other in both negative and positive ways. 

I don’t share this information as a ticket to cash in a “victim mindset”, or to absolve all responsibility for mental health. Research shows that whilst 50% of our happiness may be due to genetic factors, and 10% to our life circumstances, 40% of our wellbeing is due to our own attitudes and actions. This includes where we focus our attention, our relationship to our beliefs, and our behaviour – over which we DO have control.

Understanding why you may be struggling emotionally can help to reduce self-blame and hopelessness. What is so encouraging is that there are many variables under our control that can help us manage mental illness and move towards wellness. Clinical psychology is all about providing a compassionate and non-judgmental space to help individuals understand why they may be suffering, and offering support and evidence-based techniques to move towards health. 

Coping with Overwhelming Emotions

Often clients will tell me they feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings. They may be stressed about deadlines, upcoming exams, speeches, or performance reviews. Worried or sad about their relationships, health, family, finances, lack of leisure time, and sometimes they worry or feel sad about everything in general. They are often very critical of themselves… “I’m too fat, thin, unattractive, hopeless, not good enough”.   

They don’t want to feel this way as they are not living rich and meaningful lives. They may spend a huge amount of time trying to make their feelings, thoughts, memories, go away. They try their hardest not to think about “it” in the hope it will go away. They drink alcohol, eat “comfort” food, or use illicit drugs, to feel a different way or numb themselves. Others self-harm, gamble, or binge eat. It makes sense why they use these strategies as most of them work really well in the short term. However, the unpleasantness inevitably comes back, and the process of getting rid of it starts all over again.

All this self-criticism and efforts not to feel a certain way, takes a lot of time and energy.  And while they are spending all this time and energy trying not feel a certain way, overthinking the past and/or future, they are missing out on living life in the present moment. 

One way to connect with the present moment is to “ground yourself”. I like to teach my clients to ground themselves using their five senses. When you notice you are caught up with what’s going on in your head, or notice your body is reacting to negative thoughts (heart racing, fists or jaw clenching, butterflies in stomach etc), practice beginning to notice what is happening around you:

·     What five things can you see?

·     What four things can you touch?

·     What three things can you hear?

·     What two things can you taste?

·     What one thing can you smell?

This practice gets you out of your head and into the present moment. It’s important to remember that it doesn’t take the painful or unpleasant thoughts/feelings etc away, but it does give you a break from them, an ability to do something other than focus on the unpleasantness you have been going through. 

After you have grounded yourself it may be a good time to slow down your breathing. Our breathing often speeds up when we are stressed/nervous/angry about things. It’s our bodies natural way of preparing us for the danger (your worries) that we sense. We are very good at breathing in, it’s the breathing out part that we tend to forget (shallow breathing). There are many slowed or controlled breathing techniques. A good one to begin with is to 

·     Breathe in and smell the cake (or roses or whatever smell you like to imagine)

·     Breathe out and blow out all of the imaginary birthday candles 

Grounding yourself does not get rid of your negative thoughts, but it empowers you to put them aside and enjoy living in the present moment. 

Grief and Loss

Feelings of loss and grief are a normal response to losing someone or something that you care deeply about. Loss can be experienced in many contexts, including the death of a loved one, or the loss of a relationship, a job, your health, your sense of safety, your way of life, or a possession.

While most of us will experience grief in our lives, how it is experienced is very individual and there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. How we grieve is affected by many factors, including who or what we have lost, how the loss came about, our personality and upbringing, our culture and spiritual beliefs, previous experiences of loss, and our social support and other circumstances at the time of the loss.

People experience and deal with grief in many different ways. Some people find it helpful to return to their usual lives and routines quite quickly, while others take some time before doing this. Similarly, some people naturally lean towards being alone during grieving, while others reach out for support and company from those around them. However, while everyone grieves differently there are some typical responses to loss, such as:

• Feeling depressed and/or anxious, including poor sleep and appetite, mood swings and tearfulness, feeling stressed or confused.

• Feeling hopeless or unable to go on (thoughts of suicide or self-harm).

• Denial of the loss having occurred or feeling it is not real. Feeling numb.

• Feeling disconnected form others, isolated and lonely.

• Difficulty concentrating.

• Loss of enjoyment in activities previously enjoyed.

• Feelings or anger, guilt, shame or relief. These emotions may sometimes be towards the person who has died, or in relation to the grief (e.g. guilt at getting on with life or ‘moving on’).

• Seeking reminders of person who has died, or feeling they are present in some way.

• Worries about not grieving enough or correctly.

Things That Can Help

Grieve.  It is very important that you allow yourself to grieve by letting your feelings out. Bottling up your emotions can lead to a longer and more complicated grieving process. You can express your emotions through activities such as sharing with those close to you or a psychologist, joining a group of others experiencing a similar process, listening to or playing music, creating art, keeping a journal, saying goodbye through ceremonies or rituals, meditating or praying, or even through physical activity. Do whatever works for you.

 Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to do whatever suits your needs during your grieving process.

Go at your own pace. Remember that there is no normal or right period of time for the grief process, and it can take some time to adjust to your loss. Do not feel you need to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’ and do not rush into anything new or making decisions until you are ready. 

Be open to be supported. Try to let family and friends support you, even though it may feel difficult to accept their help. It might help to let them know what you feel you need, whether that is emotional help, or practical support like cooking, or looking after children.

Look after yourself. Make an effort to eat well, exercise regularly and get enough sleep, as your mind and body need to be supported during this difficult time. Try not to turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, as this will interfere with your recovery.

Look for enjoyment. Stay connected with family and friends and keep doing activities you enjoy, even when you are feeling sad or overwhelmed. It is ok not to grieve all the time and to have times of enjoyment, and this will help your recovery.

When Grief Is More Complicated And Additional Help May Be Needed

Most people eventually adjust to their loss and return to their usual life (while carrying some ongoing sadness), with the support of their family and friends. However, about 10-20% of people do not adjust well and experience protracted or more complicated grief. Identifying this is not simple as the grief process is so individual, but if some of the following warning signs are evident 1-2 months after a loss the person may be at risk of coping very poorly over time and intervening early could be worthwhile:

·     Avoidance of feelings and grieving (maybe by excessive involvement in other activities)

·     Avoidance of any reminders of the person who has died (including refusal to attend the funeral)

·     Disengagement from responsibilities

·     Extreme mood swings 

·     Isolation 

·     Poor self-care

·     Use of alcohol or other drugs

·     Increased physical health problems

Sources of information and support

The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement: www.grief.org.au

The National Association for Grief and Loss (NALAG): www.nalag.org.au

New Year, New You? Tips for looking after yourself in 2019

The beginning of a new year is typically a time of reflection and goal setting. Did you set any resolutions? Have you achieved any yet? Have you decided against any? During this time of reflection it may helpful to go back to basics and assess your level of self-care. Self-care strategies are essential to help maintain mental and physical wellbeing. With these essentials taken care of, you lay the foundations for achieving your goals, and you will then be set to take on 2019. This blog will share some important tips to managing your self-care, beginning with three key basics for wellbeing.

Get Enough Sleep

Sleep quality is largely associated with mood. Maintaining a stable mood is likely to give you more resilience against stressors. Make sure you’re doing everything you can to maximise your sleep. A few tips to help with this include:

1. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day. This may seem a bit rough on weekends! Absolutely - enjoy a few sleep-ins and the joys of not setting an alarm. However, if you are able to maintain some semblance of sleeping routine, your body clock will start to help you fall asleep and wake up naturally during the week. In doing this, your sleep quality will improve and you will be able to make the most of those days off.

2. Develop sleeping routines. Start developing some daily habits that you engage in before going to bed. This may include drinking a herbal tea (caffeine free is best), meditating, stretching your muscles, or listening to some relaxing music. Doing these same activities each night before bed will trigger your brain into winding down and getting ready for sleep.

3. Use your bed only for sleeping and sex. It is really common for people to use bed to watch movies or TV shows, read, scroll through social media, or Skype loved ones. Sometimes this can be unavoidable due to your living space. The problem is that the brain can then become confused when you then try to sleep in this same environment. If you can try to work, read, or watch TV in other areas of the house, or even on the floor, your sleep will be better for it.

Eat A Wide Range of Nutritious Foods

This is always a good thing to keep in mind because when we don’t eat good food, we don’t feel good either. Even making slight changes to your diet can have big impacts and help improve or stabilise your mood. It can also help your immune system, resilience, and energy levels and help you to think more clearly. Enjoy the treats that celebrations bring, but where you can, try the following:

• Load up on leafy greens

•  Incorporate as many vegetables as you can into your diet

•  If you eat meat, stick to lean varieties such as fish or chicken

•  If you don’t eat meat, try eggs, tofu or legumes

•  Drink as much water as you can

•  Have healthy snacks on hand to prevent unhealthy binge eating later on

Exercise

In the same ways that sleep and a healthy diet can, keeping active has also been shown to have many benefits for mental and physical wellbeing. If you are experiencing low mood, moving your body may feel like the last thing you want to do, but is one of the best things you can do to improve how you feel. Exercise can also help boost your self-esteem; it can increase your energy levels, improve memory, help with relaxation, sleep quality and even improve your sex life. Staying active does not have to be a chore - incorporating any activity into your day can be helpful. If the gym isn’t for you, try dancing, bouncing on the trampoline, skipping, going for a bike ride or swimming at the beach.

Once you have these three staples of self-care taken care of you will be well set up. Rejuvenating your mind and body through self-care will help you to face challenges with more resilience, and achieve goals you have set for yourself.

Some other self-care tips ideas in addition to sleep, diet and exercise include:

• Disconnect and unplug – turn off electronic devices and unwind

• Relax – rejuvenate your body and mind with massage, meditation, visualisation or yoga

• Be grateful – make a list of all the things that bring you joy

• Clean and tidy up – organise your space for a clearer mind and gain a sense of achievement

• Read – escape the daily grind and read a book or listen to an audio book on your commute to work

• Take a hot shower or bath – embrace the time to yourself and notice the feeling of the warm water against your body

• Adjust and commit to your plans – try not to over commit yourself to events purely because people invite you. Say yes to events that bring you joy, commit to them, and enjoy yourself

• Breathe – practice deep breathing from your diaphragm to help calm your mind and even decrease physical symptoms of anxiety

• Brush your teeth and floss – simple hygiene can sometimes make the difference in freshening your body and your mind

• Call loved ones – spend time reconnecting with those important to you

• Celebrate – no reason required

• Clench fist or squeeze your hands, and then release them – notice the difference in the feeling between tense and relaxed

• Create a timeline of your goals with stepping stones to achieve them

• Drink a cup of tea

• Eat a hearty breakfast

• Use positive self talk – for example, “Today is going to be great”

• Clear your inbox – declutter your online life in the same way you would declutter your environment

• Learn and study something you’ve always wanted to – read, listen to podcasts, do research or an online course

• Cook or bake yourself your favourite food or as a gift to someone else

• Make your bed and notice how much clearer you feel in your mind

• Write in a journal – make a note of your thoughts, feelings and observations

• Observe your digital behaviour

• Reconnect with friends that you have not seen or spoken to

• Show compassion for other people or animals

• Stretch your muscles

• Write a to-do list – this can give you small goals to work towards and contribute to feelings of mastery and achievement

• Observe the world around you

• Pat or cuddle a dog

• Smell something nice like a candle or incense

• Take time out for yourself to recharge – you deserve it!

Life With A Newborn

A friend who had a baby around the same time as me (that’s you Diana!) spoke of her ever-expanding heart, and that phrase so perfectly captured the last three months with my baby girl, Elsey. My heart has been stretched to feel many emotions, and all more intensely since she was born. Love, yes, but anxiety (am I doing this right?), panic (how can I possibly be responsible for this precious life?), awe (I can’t believe we created this perfect being!), doubt (can I do this?), joy (that smile!), worry (Is she too hot? Has she had enough milk? Is she too cold? Is that poo normal? What does that rash mean? Is she still breathing? Etc. etc. etc.). And here I was thinking “As soon as I’ve had this baby and it’s safe and healthy I can stop worrying”!!

Baby Elsey - Two Days Old

Amidst the relentless newborn dance of feed, burp, nappy, nappy, sleep, washing, feed, nappy, burp, washing and feeding/showering myself when I could, I was trying to wrap my head around the whole parenting business to give myself guiding principles. Here are the points I kept coming back to that helped me through this wonderful, life-changing, tiring, overwhelming and magical period. 

DISCLAIMER: I am not an expert! I have been a parent for all of 14 weeks, and have an abnormally chilled baby. 

·     Look After Yourself: Happy Mum = Happy bub! Meeting your needs puts you in the best position to meet your baby’s needs. Sleep, nutrition, time away from the baby, being looked after, gentle exercise and general self care are all critical if you’re going to be able to meet the demands of newborn. Doing what it takes to make sure you have a smile on your face for your baby is worth it. Work out what that looks like – a solo walk, a snooze, chocolate, a bath, and make it a priority.

·     Do What Works: You will read and be given so much conflicting advice. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and all babies and family situations are different. As long as your baby is healthy and safe, find whatever way of looking after your baby works for you. Whether that’s demand-feeding, routine-feeding, co-sleeping or baby-wearing.

·     Listen to Your Gut: When choosing what parenting approach to take, check in with your intuition. Does it feel right for you and your family? You know your baby better than anyone, and you have to listen to that little voice that knows best. Modern society and technology can disconnect us from our heart, and lead to doubt and low confidence. Trust in yourself and tap back in to your inner wisdom. 

·     Accept Help: Humans are not designed to bring up other humans alone, isolated from friends and family. Historically, new mothers had a village to rely on for support and guidance. Tap into your village – whether that’s family, friends, neighbours, a mother’s group, or hired help. This is in your best interests, and your baby’s best interests. People want to help, but often don’t know how. Tell people how they can best help, it makes things easier for everyone. And if you need a greater degree of support (with breastfeeding, settling, sleeping, mental health or adjustment), there is a wide range of excellent services available – have a chat to your GP about options. It is not weak to seek help, it takes courage to be vulnerable and take steps that ensure better wellbeing for everyone in the long-term.

·     Be With: In between the feeding, sleeping, nappy changes and washing, take time to simply delight in your baby. Look into their eyes, massage their chubby little legs, tickle their toes. Smell that divine newborn scent. Lie next to them. Mirror their expressions. Tell them stories. 

·     Let Go: Of the ‘shoulds’, of your expectations, of the standards that you had for herself before becoming a parent and of the comparisons to other babies and mothers. Judgment, criticism, shame and guilt are so unhelpful and make an already challenging situation impossible. Practise self-compassion, acceptance and breathe. Trying to be the perfect parent is unhelpful for both you and your child. Prioritise what needs to get done and let go of other things. It’s not easy, but you can make it easier for yourself by being kind and having realistic expectations. 

Incorporating Mindfulness Into Your Day, And Reaping The Benefits

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness really just means paying attention to the present moment. By focusing your awareness on the present moment, and noticing your current experience, bodily sensations and surrounding environment, you move your thoughts away from worrying about the past or imagining the future. A key feature of mindfulness is that you simply acknowledge whatever you notice in the moment, without judging it or labelling it as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, thereby fostering acceptance and calm.

Mindfulness has become increasingly popular over the last decade or two, and studies have suggested that practising mindfulness can help you to better manage everyday life and deal with difficult times. It has been shown to help people cope better with stress, anxiety and depression, concentrate better, be more productive, and relax more. So, the evidence tells us that mindfulness can bring many benefits to your emotional and physical health, as well as to the relationships in your life.

Of course, the best evidence of whether mindfulness practices will be helpful for you is not the results from studies, but direct experience. So, why not give it a try and find out what it can do for you? It may take some practice to learn how to incorporate this practice into your everyday life, but the benefits could be well worth the effort.

Like any other good habits such as exercising and eating well, it is important to practice mindfulness regularly to reap the benefits. Luckily, you do not have to practice mindfulness formally to benefit from its positive effects. Many mindfulness techniques are not difficult, and making mindfulness a daily habit does not have to mean making big changes, setting aside large amounts of time or having special equipment. It simply requires remembering to engage in mindful practices during your normal day. It is not clear how long you need to spend doing mindfulness each day to benefit from its positive effects, but making a start and incorporating what you can each day is a great way to find out how it will ‘work’ for you.

The following 5 mindfulness techniques are simple and easy to fit into your everyday life. Try starting by including just one each day for a week, then you can add more as you become more familiar with the approach and conscious of how to make it effective for you.

Each of these activities involves focusing on something other than your thoughts and emotions. While trying to focus your awareness, you will often find that your attention wanders and other thoughts come into your mind. This is normal. When this happens, gently acknowledge the distraction or thoughts, without judgement, and bring your attention back to your current activity.

1. Mindful breathing

This very simple form of mindfulness involves focusing on your breathing. You can do this with your eyes closed or open. Take a few minutes in a quiet spot to notice your breathing, without trying to change it in any way. Simply notice what your breath feels like in your body, as it passes through your nose, and as your chest and abdomen gently rise and fall. You can practise mindful breathing for as long as you like. But you can also use it as a quick 1-2 minute way of calming yourself and focusing if you are feeling anxious about something coming up, like a test, meeting someone new or giving a presentation. You can do mindful breathing by yourself, or you can use one of the many apps or YouTube videos available if you would like some additional guidance.

2. Mindful walking

When you are walking during the day, try practicing mindful walking by bringing your attention to the experience of walking. Feel how your body moves and how it feels as you take each step. Focus on the sensation of lifting your leg and placing your foot back on the ground. Become aware of how your arms are moving and the feeling of your breath.

3. Mindful senses

By focusing on what is happening around you, you are less likely to get caught up in your emotions and thoughts and feel overwhelmed. Simply ground yourself in the present moment by noticing the physical things in your environment. Name five things you can see, five things you can hear, and five things you can feel. Look around you and name 5 different things you can see. Can you name 5 different sounds? Ask yourself whether you feel hot or cold, what the air feels like on your face or with your breathing, and where you can feel your body touching objects or clothes. What sounds can you hear? You can also notice tastes and smells when appropriate. Bring your awareness to your experience in the present moment.

4. Mindful eating

Eating can also be done mindfully. When you sit down to eat, do not do anything else at the same time, and focus on what you are eating rather than your thoughts. Take your time and notice every mouthful, paying attention to the appearance, textures, tastes and aromas of the food. Savour each mouthful. Also notice what it feels like to bite, chew and swallow the food. Eating mindfully not only focuses your awareness, but may also result in you eating less.

5. Mindful daily activities

You can engage in any daily activity mindfully. It could be making a cup of tea, driving, showering, brushing your teeth, waiting in a supermarket queue, or making your bed. Simply bring your focus to the task and notice the process and experience in detail, savouring the sensations and awareness. Rather than seeing the activity as a chore, and completing it on autopilot, experience the present moment fully noticing what you see, physical sensations, sounds, smells and tastes. If you cannot maintain focus for an entire activity, be mindful for the first part of the experience and try to hold on to the mindful approach as you move on.

Remember:

• Use these simple mindfulness techniques regularly, and whenever you feel the need to take some distance from what you are thinking or feeling. They can provide important calm in amongst the stress and rush of the day.

• While the techniques described here may seem like small steps, with practice they can have a significant effect on how you cope and function in life.

• Mindfulness needs to be learned. Remember it can take time to train your brain, but the more you practice the better you will become at it, and the more readily you will be able to use mindfulness in more challenging moments.

• When you are starting out, do not expect to be able to focus for very long. It is normal for your attention to wander and your thoughts to intrude. Just gently bring your attention back to your current activity.

• With all mindfulness activities, always try and ease yourself out of the awareness and continue to be mindful into the next activity.

As you can see from these mindfulness techniques, almost any activity can incorporate some mindfulness exercises. As everyone’s experience and life is unique, experiment and find ways of fitting mindfulness into your life that work for you.

Growth Vs. A Fixed Mindset

We are starting to hear a lot about the benefits of having a Growth Mindset rather than a Fixed Mindset. Dr Carol Dweck coined the terms Growth and Fixed Mindsets to describe the beliefs people held regarding intelligence and learning. Dr Dweck experimented with two groups of children who experienced the same challenges. The group who were trained to interpret their failures by trying harder, outperformed the other group. When students believe they can get smarter, they put in extra effort to work harder, as they understand it pays off for them. They know their extra effort leads to higher achievement. Hence, a growth mindset is when a person believes effort, such as practice and study, will help them achieve. Someone with a fixed mindset is likely to give up when they find something difficult as they are not inclined to believe they can learn new things with extra effort.

Research on neuroplasticity, has shown that our brains develop new pathways with experience, and with practice, these pathways develop and strengthen. This is really important for a person’s self-worth. When you fall short of your goals, do you respond by trying harder and strive for real improvement or do you give up because you don’t think you can do any better?When it comes to praising our children, do we encourage a growth mindset by praising their effort “I see you tried hard and worked it out in the end”. Or do we praise the child and have their self-worth contingent on their success or failures “Good girl, you’re really good at that”. Praising the person over the effort, subtly leads them to believe they are ineffective if they fail at something. When we praise effort, we are leading others to cultivate a mastery-oriented approach where challenges are faced with enthusiasm rather than dread.

Believing you’re born with the ability to accomplish things you value (fixed mindset) may lead you to prove yourself to others as most situations can be a test of whether you have what it takes or no. However, believing what you’re born with is just a starting point for development (growth mindset) leads you to put in persistent efforts, as our potential is unknown.

Michael Jordan has been quoted as saying “I’ve missed more than nine thousand shots. I’ve missed almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the winning shot and missed. However, he never gave up. He kept practicing and believing he could do better. He has a growth mindset. Increased motivation leads to increased achievements.

If you or your children are avoiding a challenge perhaps you could shift your mindset. Success isn’t about proving how smart you are or how well you can perform. It’s about developing yourself, accepting failures as a setback, not as an endpoint. Recognise that hard work and persistence pays off.

Acting Assertively

After challenging your passive thoughts you should now be on the road to thinking more assertively. Thinking more assertively is the first step to communicating more assertively (if you need some help with this, check out the blog below ‘How to Think Assertively’ to get started).

The next step in learning to communicate more assertively is learning how to behave and speak more assertively. When reading through the following tips on behaving assertively, it’s important to keep in mind your verbal versus nonverbal behaviour. You may think that you are acting assertively by speaking in a particular way, but your body language may be communicating the opposite.

Speaking Assertively - Basic

When speaking assertively, it is important to keep in mind your beliefs, needs, wants, feelings and opinions. To do this, it is typically helpful to use sentences that begin with “I”. Some examples of this might be.

• “I need some time to think about that”

• “I was next in line”

• “I think you could try it this way”

• “I’m happy with that”

• “I feel angry”

• “I feel nervous”

• “I need some help with this”

It is important to remember to be specific and direct when speaking assertively. Avoid using fillers, pauses, qualifiers or apologies. These specific and direct messages communicate that you are in control, can help reduce anxiety, and help to take responsibility for your feelings.

Speaking Assertively - Empathic

This way of speaking assertively is used when you recognise that the other person may be involved in a situation that may not fit with your needs or wants. This way of speaking demonstrates recognition for their needs and wants, as well as your own. It helps you to get some space and time to imagine the other person’s situation, instead of responding quickly and aggressively. Some examples of this may be:

• “I can see that you’re busy, Cameron, but I’d like to make a request of you”

• “I appreciate that you don’t like the new procedure, Nicholas, however, I’d like you to keep using it”

• “I recognise that its difficult to be precise on costs, Liam, however, I need a rough estimate”

Speaking Assertively - Consequence

This way of speaking assertively should be used in the last instance. It is to be used when you want to change the behaviour of someone else who has been disregarding the needs of others. It is also for when you want to change their behaviour, and inform them of the consequences of not doing so, without becoming aggressive. A situation when you might use this style of assertiveness is if someone at work is not following procedure. This assertive style can easily be mistaken for an aggressive style, however, so be very careful with your nonverbal signals. Remember to keep your body and face relaxed, keep your voice calm, and maintain good eye contact. Some examples of speaking assertively with consequence include:

• “I’d prefer not to, but if this happens again, I’ll be left with no option but to take disciplinary action.”

• “I have told you my feelings on this matter, if you continue to disregard what I have said I will have to end this conversation”

• “If you continue to withhold the information, I’ll have no choice but to take this higher up. I’d prefer not to.”

Speaking Assertively - Discrepancy

This style of assertion is to be used when there is a discrepancy between what has been previously agreed and what is actually occurring. It is helpful for clarification, misunderstanding, or contradiction. Some examples of this style of assertion include:

• “My understanding was that we agreed that the other task was the top priority. Now you’re asking me to prioritise this task instead. I’d like to clarify which task is now the top priority.”

• “I thought we had agreed to see a movie, and now you are saying we are going for a drink. I am not dressed up to go out for a drink and I am confused as I wanted to go the movies. Can you please clarify what our plans are?”

• “I asked you several weeks ago to go to this concert with me to the act we both really like, but you said you couldn’t afford to go. Since then you have spent a lot of money on clothing and meals out. Why did you tell me you couldn’t afford it?”

Speaking Assertively - Negative Feelings

Another way to behave assertively includes when you have negative feelings toward someone else’s behaviour. Here are four helpful steps to speaking assertively with someone about their behaviour:

1. Let them know what the behaviour is that you want to address and describe it without adding your own judgment at this point. For example, your friend speaking rudely to wait staff when you are out for a meal together.

2. Let them know specifically in what way their behaviour impacts you, in a clear and concise manner without overgeneralising. For example, potential reactions from the wait staff to you during your meal.

3. Describe your feelings. For example, confused, guilty, embarrassed or sad.

4. Describe how you would like their behaviour to be different in future. For example, how they could speak to wait staff differently next time.

Putting all of these examples together, you could say the following to your friend: “When you speak rudely to the wait staff during our meal, they are less responsive to both you and I. I feel annoyed about this, so in future I would like you to take more care with the way you speak to wait staff.”

Read later blogs in this series to learn how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.

Rumination and Mental Health

Ruminating is when you repeatedly go over and over things from your past. It’s a bit like your mind continuously pressing replay on your past; it keeps going on and on and on. I guess you could say its obsessive thinking. It would be lovely if those thoughts going around and around in our minds were positive, but unfortunately, it’s all those negative events, or things we would have preferred to happen differently, that we ruminate or obsess over.

What’s the Difference Between Worry and Rumination?

Worry focuses on the future, tends to use “what if” type thoughts, and we feel anxious or afraid. For example, “What if people don’t like my speech” or “What if I make a fool of myself”. Whereas rumination focuses on the past, involves “I should have” or “if only” type thoughts, and we feel guilt or remorse.

Is Rumination Normal?

To some extent everyone ruminates or dwells on problems or concerns they have with work, relationships, and life in general. Thinking about our problems can be helpful especially if we reach a solution and put it into action. Hence for most people, ruminating is time-limited, it stops when they have solved their problem. However, excessive use of rumination can become problematic.

Unhelpful Rumination

Rumination tends to focus on what has gone wrong in the past and can lead to negative thinking. It can become a fast track to feeling helpless as it paralyses problem solving skills. We become so preoccupied with the problem that we’re unable to push past our cycle of negative thoughts. Unhelpful rumination tends not to be solution focused. Instead it focuses on causes and consequences e.g. “What did I do to deserve this”; “Why do these things always happen to me” and “Will my life get any better?” Instead of “How can I make my life better?”. When people who are depressed ruminate, they remember more negative things that happened to them in the past, they interpret situations in life more negatively, and they feel more hopeless about the future.

Stopping the Rumination Cycle

The first step to gaining control over rumination is to recognise when it happens. Once you think you may be ruminating, continue what you’re doing for two minutes, then stop and ask yourself three questions:

1. Am I making progress toward solving a problem?

2. Do I understand more about my problem or my feeling?

3. Do I feel less self-critical, or less depressed than before I started thinking about this?

Unless the answer to one of these questions is a clear yes, chances are you’re ruminating. Once you catch yourself rumination, try and get some distance from your thoughts. The simplest way to do this is by saying to yourself “I notice I’m ruminating about …”. Gaining distance from your ruminating thoughts will be difficult at first, especially if you are and excessive ruminator. However, like anything, the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Take the time to notice what’s around you (ground yourself), using your five senses, when you catch yourself ruminating. What can you see, touch, hear, smell, and, taste? You can also use your rumination as a cue to do get active. For example, if you catch yourself ruminating while driving, turn on the radio and start singing. It’s very difficult to ruminate while you are singing. You could also use rumination to cue you to read a book, exercise, garden or watch a movie.

Sexual Intimacy Following Sexual Assault: A Guide for Couples

The experience of sexual assault or rape can be life shattering, leaving the person or people assaulted feeling scared, ashamed, alone, or plagued by flashbacks. The road to recovery from sexual trauma takes time, and the healing process can be extremely confronting and painful. However, the healing process can help to regain a sense of self-worth, trust and safety.

An experience of sexual assault or rape does not mean that the impacted individuals cannot go on to enjoy sexual intimacy in future. When one or both partners in a relationship have experienced rape or sexual assault, many couples go on to have fulfilling, joyful and intimate sexual relationships. Continue reading to learn more about negotiating sexual intimacy following sexual assault or rape.

Developing Sexual Intimacy

It is helpful to remember that developing sexual intimacy can be a challenge in any relationship. Helpful tools for building a satisfying sexual relationship include:

• Developing intimacy based on fun, arousal, love and lust instead of performance

• Appreciating, accepting and understanding sexual differences

• Being able to communicate openly about sex, both verbally and non-verbally

• Being assertive about your desires

• Being able to focus on your own pleasure

• Having accurate information about sex, and your own and your partners’ sexuality

Difficulties Impacting Development of Sexual Intimacy

Sexual assault can have a significant impact on people’s lives. When difficulties occur related to sexual intimacy, it is understandable that individuals may pinpoint historical sexual assault or rape as the underlying cause. There are, however, several other factors known to impact sexual intimacy that may be applicable:

• Stress

• Low self-esteem

• Self or externally imposed expectations of sex and/or gender

• Body image concerns

• Depression

• Sleep disturbances

• Medication

• Substance use

• Alcohol use

• Relationship difficulties

• Physical factors e.g. erectile dysfunction

After determining if difficulties related to sexual intimacy might be better explained by other factors, it is useful to identify difficulties that may be related to past rape or sexual assault. Experiences of child or adult sexual assault or rape can impact intimate relationships in some of these ways:

• Avoiding sex altogether

• Low sex drive

• Disengaging emotionally

• Difficulty trusting sexual partners

• Experiencing flashbacks or dissociating during sexual intimacy

• Difficulty becoming sexually aroused

• Difficulty achieving orgasm

• Restricting certain types of sexual activities

• Discomfort with touch in certain areas of the body

• Engaging in sex only with specific environmental factors in place e.g. lights off

• Feeling shame or guilt about particular fantasies

Sexual Assault and Ideas about Sexual Intimacy

Experiences of sexual assault or rape as a child or adult can lead to ideas about sexual intimacy that can be negative or unhelpful. These ideas can replace more positive ones that relate to sexual intimacy being an experience that two consenting adults can enjoy.

Sex as a result of sexual assault	Sex as an enjoyable experience between two consenting adults
Sex is an obligation	Sex is a choice
Sex is hurtful	Sex is nurturing
Sex is secretive	Sex is private
Sex has no limits	Sex has boundaries
Sex is deceitful	Sex is honest
Sex is exploitative	Sex is respectful
Sex is unsafe	Sex is safe
Sex is a commodity	Sex is part of who I am
Sex is power over someone	Sex is empowering
Sex is absence of communication	Sex involves communication
Sex is a condition for receiving love	Sex is an expression of love
Sex benefits one person	Sex is mutual
Sex is emotionally distant	Sex is intimate

Enhancing Sexual Intimacy Following Sexual Assault

If one partner is not aware that the other has experienced sexual assault or rape, enhancing sexual intimacy may be a challenge. In instances where the partner is aware of the sexual assault or rape, there are some useful things to keep in mind:

Key points for couples where one or both partners has experienced sexual assault or rape:

• Be aware that memories related to the assault or rape may reappear during sexual intimacy

• Scenarios that replicate the experience of the assault are likely to be extremely challenging

• Develop an awareness together of what are or might be sensitive or triggering scenarios e.g. places, positions, touches, sounds, smells

• Together slowly develop an understanding of:

  • How to talk about these topics with each other

  • Each partners’ wishes and desires
    
    

Key points for partners of people who have experienced sexual assault or rape:

• Increased emotional engagement and communication improves sexual intimacy

• At times you may feel unattractive or that you have done something wrong based on how your partner responds to sexual intimacy – take the time to reassure yourself that it is not about you

• Try to talk to your partner when you notice any difficulties arising. Offer a way of moving forward such as experimenting with intimate touch, without the focus being on sexual intercourse

• Be very clear about your own and your partners’ boundaries and limits. Everyone has a right to say “No” to things they are not comfortable with

• Understand that when your partner is sexually intimate with you they are stepping far out of their comfort zone - things will not always go smoothly

If you, your partner, or someone else you know is struggling following rape or a sexual assault, one of our experienced psychologists can support you through the healing process in a safe environment free from judgment.

Navigating the Teenage Years

The teenage years are a time of huge change and transformation. Biologically, socially, psychologically and behaviourally, your teenager may become unrecognisable as they undergo the transition from child to adult. 

It can be a time of confusion, frustration, conflict and overwhelm for parents as you try to navigate that balance between boundary-setting and giving some freedom, between control and encouraging independence. 

From my experience working with teens and their parents, here are my top tips that are effective in not only optimising compliance and minimizing conflict, but importantly protecting the relationship in the process. 

·     Give Space: (even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing!): Teenagers need to develop their own opinions and become their own people, in an environment where they have little control and are essentially powerless. They will try to take power and control wherever they can, and this is not about rejecting you or not wanting a relationship with you, it’s all about wanting to feel independent and in control of their lives. If your teen doesn’t want to talk, respect that, and let them know that you’re always available when they do. Before giving advice, ask your teen if they’re interested in hearing your opinion (and don’t be offended if they’re not). Most of the time, teens need to be listened to and validated, from parents who are available but not instructive. 

·     Reframe Self-Focus: It’s normal for teens to be self-focused, because of the stage of their brain development. As infuriating as it is, it’s not entirely their fault. All the cognitive skills they need to be helpful, empathetic and other-focused are all in the frontal lobes which are still developing. This doesn’t mean we just accept a selfish attitude, what it means is that we have to teachteens to develop their capacity for empathy. Because of their brain wiring this doesn’t come naturally. Just like it’s not age-appropriate to expect a toddler to be able to dress themselves, we can’t expect teens to be invested in others. Teens need help and guidance to develop these skills, rather than being criticised for not having them, which just makes them feel bad and impacts negatively upon the relationship. 

·     Think Collaboratively: To be effective with teens we often have to go against our instinct. Any threat to their independence is going to light a match for a bonfire. Be willing to compromise. Decide what things are that important to you that you won’t budge on (and deal with the fallout and/or impact on the relationship), and which things you are prepared to shift a little with, for the sake of compliance and protecting the relationship. Think carefully about where this threshold will lie, because if you set this too high (meaning you’re too strict) conflict could escalate, your teen may feel suffocated and act out more, and it could lead to a breakdown in your relationship. 

·     Change Your Attitude– Something most parents struggle with is the transition from treating their teen from a child to an adult. It’s important to start thinking about your teen not as a child you have control over, but as an independent adult. How do you speak differently or resolve conflict in your adult relationships? Why do you do it this way? What would happen if you spoke to your partner the way you speak to your teen? Part of the challenge in having a good relationship with your teen is starting to think about your relationship with your teen within the same boundaries and structures as you do with other important adults in your life. This is one of the big shifts to happen in teenage relationships. 

·     Dial Up The Love – Even if they may appear to reject affection, teens need a constant reminder of unconditional love and acceptance. Don’t hold back in telling them how much you love them, celebrating their strengths and showing your love in the most appropriate way to your teen. Adolescence is a rocky road, and it is the foundation of strong relationships with their parents that supports resilience, self-esteem and stability in teens. 

·     Read Between the Lines – It’s hard to do, but try not to pay too much attention to the words and actions that result from intense emotion. Instead, try to focus on the emotion behind the behaviour. What must be going on for your teen for them to act that way? Are they feeling invalidated? Has their independence been threatened? Are they feeling excluded? Trying to identify the emotion behind the action can help you understand where they’re coming from.

·     Take Care of Yourself – Parenting is one of the toughest jobs out there. Parenting a teen requires lots of patience and self-control. But you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you’re looking after your needs first, so that you can be the kind of parent you need to be for your teen.  

How to Think Assertively

Communicating assertively can lead to healthier relationships and feeling more in control of your decisions. Assertive communication can also help to promote your self-esteem through being able to tell others how you really think and feel in different situations. To help determine if you communicate more passively, aggressively or assertively, read the recent blog in this series titled ‘Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? How to Figure out Your Communication Style’.

Learning to communicate assertively after a long period of communicating passively is not easy. One of the main things that can stand in the way of communicating assertively is the way you think. Thoughts and beliefs are developed differently for everyone based life experiences. These experiences shape our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. For some people, these thoughts and beliefs may be predominantly passive in nature. To add to this, our parents, friends and partners can model passive communication to us, reinforcing passive thinking.

Some typical thinking styles for passive thinkers include:

• If I say how I truly feel, others will not like me

• If people respond to me with the answer “no”, they do not like me

• I don’t want to burden others with my problems

• My contributions aren’t as worthwhile as others’

• It is unkind and rude to put my needs ahead of others’

• People close to me should know what I am thinking or feeling without me telling them

• If I express my feelings people may think I am weak, judge me or take advantage of me

• It is embarrassing to share how I am feeling

• If I am assertive I will upset others and jeopardise my relationships

Changing the way we think is the first important step to changing the way we communicate. If you notice yourself thinking in similar ways to those listed above, you may be more inclined to think passively. Thought challenging is a helpful way to begin to think more assertively.

Thought Challenging

Challenging passive thoughts when you notice them arise is a great first step in thinking more assertively. One helpful way to challenge your passive thoughts is to keep a thought diary. If you notice yourself in a situation where you have prioritised the rights of those around you above your own, or you have been passive in some other way, write it down.

Make a note of the following details:

• What happened? Where was I when this happened? Who was there? What were we doing? Why? What day was it? What time of day? Describe the scene in as much detail as if you were describing it to somebody else. Remember to stick to facts only.

  • For example:

    • I was packing up my things at work at the end of the day on Friday.

    • A close friend called and asked if I would go and meet them for a drink because it had been a while since we last saw each other.

• What were some of the thoughts you were having at the time?

  • For example:

    • “I’m so tired from this long busy week”

    • “I just wanted to go home and relax”

    • “Going out is the last thing I feel like doing”

    • “I’ll feel like I’m a bad friend if I don’t say yes”

    • “It has been a while since we caught up”

    • “They might get mad with me if I say no”

    • “I don’t have any excuse not to go”

• What were some of the emotions you were experiencing at the time?

  • For example:

    • Exhausted

    • Annoyed

    • Guilty

    • Sad

• Which thought is most strongly associated with emotion? Which emotions? How intense is the emotion out of 100?

  • For example:

    • “I’ll feel like I’m a bad friend if I don’t say yes”

    • Guilty – 80

• Is this thought most likely to be passive, assertive, or aggressive? Why?

  • For example:

    • Passive because I feel like I have to do something I don’t want to do

• What is some evidence for this thought you were having? Base this evidence on previous experiences, thoughts, or interactions

  • For example:

    • “I really haven’t seen them for a long time”

    • “I’m pretty sure they’ve been mad at me in the past for not meeting up”

    • “I’ve been so exhausted lately I haven’t been keeping in contact as much as I’d like”

    • “People don’t like it when you say no”

    • “They might be having a particularly rough time and need a friend”

• What is some of the evidence against the thoughts you were having? Base this evidence on your previous experiences, thoughts or interactions. What might you tell a friend in the same situation?

  • For example:

    • “If I asked someone to meet me last minute I would understand if they couldn’t make it”

    • “I’m usually always available to meet”

    • “Not meeting up on one occasion doesn’t make me a bad friend”

    • “If it were something serious I would be able to tell”

    • “I always do my best to be the best friend I can be”

    • “I don’t always need to have an excuse to be able to say no”

    • “My needs are equally important as my friends’ needs”

• What is a new more balanced way of looking at this passive thought, based on a combination of your evidence for and against? What would be a more assertive way of thinking?

  • For example:

    • “People don’t always like it when you say no, but my needs are equally as important as my friends’ needs”

    • “I’m not a bad friend just because I can’t meet up on this one occasion. It was a last minute invitation and they should understand if I say no”

• How intense is the emotion associated with the new more balanced thought/s?

  • For example:

    • Guilt - 40

Remember – thought challenging takes practice and persistence. If you have thought in a passive way for many years, it is unlikely you will be able to change this thinking style overnight. However with practice, it is very achievable to do so. If you are finding it difficult to challenge your passive thinking, keep in mind these assertive rights as proposed by Manuel J. Smith in 1975:

Your Bill of Assertive Rights

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviours, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.

3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

4. You have the right to change your mind.

5. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.

6. You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”

7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

9. You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

10. You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

11. You have the right to say, “no.”

12. You have the right to do less then you are humanly capable of doing.

13. You have the right to take the time you need to respond.

14. You have the right to disagree with others regardless of their position or numbers.

15. You have the right to feel all of your emotions (including anger) and express them appropriately.

16. You have the right to ask questions.

17. You have the right to be treated with respect.

18. You have the right to ask for what you want.

19. You have the right to feel good about yourself, your actions and your life.

20. You have the right to exercise any and all of these rights, without feeling guilty.

Read later blogs in this series to learn how to behave more assertively, how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.

Maintaining Good Sleep Habits

Sleep plays an important role in our physical and mental wellbeing. Poor sleep can

contribute to:

- memory and concentration problems

- emotional dysregulation

- mood disturbance

- impaired ability to think and make appropriate judgements

- reduced performance and reaction time

- increased levels of stress and anxiety

- increased risk of certain health conditions such as heart disease and obesity

- increased risk of accident and injury

The following are recommended guidelines for amount of sleep required:

Newborn babies (0-11 months): 14-17 hours per day

Toddlers (1-2 years): 11-14 hours per day

Pre-schoolers (3-5 years): 10-13 hours per day

School age children (6-13 years): 9-11 hours per day

Teenagers (14-17 years): 8-10 hours per day

Adults (18-65 years): 7-9 hours per day

Older adults (65+): may need less sleep (7-8 hours) but may have more naps during the day.

It is important to maintain good sleep habits which can help optimise the amount and

quality of sleep:

1. Have a regular time that you go to bed each night and wake in the morning,

including weekends. Irregular sleep patterns can alter your circadian rhythm (or

sleep-wake cycle) and levels of melatonin in your brain (the hormone necessary for

sleep).

2. Avoid napping during the day as this can impact on the amount and quality of sleep.

3. Avoid caffeine for at least 4-6 hours before bedtime as caffeine can interfere with

ability to fall asleep and quality of sleep.

4. Avoid alcohol for at least 4-6 hours before bedtime as alcohol can interfere with the

quality of sleep.

5. Regular daily exercise can assist with sleep, however, exercising just before bedtime

can interfere with ability to fall asleep.

6. It is important to have a healthy diet, however, eating a large meal just before

bedtime can delay onset of sleep.

7. Try not to drink any fluids 1-2 hours before bedtime and go to the bathroom right

before bedtime to reduce the need to wake to use the bathroom during the night.

8. Ensure your bed and bedroom are quiet and comfortable for sleeping, including

ensuring your body and bedroom temperature are at a comfortable level.

9. Avoid studying, working, watching TV or eating in bed so your brain associates your

bed with sleep.

10. Limit screen-use for up to 2 hours before bedtime. The light emitted from electronic

devices, such as smart phones and computers can trick your brain into thinking it is

still day-time, and reduce the production of melatonin which is necessary for sleep.

11. Limit bed-time-thinking. Using bed-time to think about events during the day,

planning for the next day, or balancing your budget can interfere with sleep. Set

aside thinking and planning time well before bedtime.

12. Engaging in relaxing activities for at least half an hour to an hour before bedtime

have been shown to enhance sleep onset and quality. Try listening to relaxing music,

reading a good book, breathing or mindfulness exercises, having a relaxing bath or

shower, drinking a cup of warm milk or caffeine-free tea.

13. If, after 20 minutes, you are still awake, get out of bed and do something quiet,

calming or boring until you feel tired, then return to bed.

14. If sleep difficulties persist, despite developing good sleep habits, consult your doctor

to determine whether there may be other biological factors interfering in your sleep.

What Really Happens in Therapy?

Everyone has an image of what therapy involves, constructed from a mixture of sources that may differ in terms of their reliability. 

It’s so common to be anxious and intimidated about the idea of therapy, and for many, this can be a barrier that proves too big to overcome. The anxiety felt before the first appointment is natural and expected, and typically resolves once the process is demystified and becomes more familiar. 

Here are some of the basics to help explain what goes on behind the closed doors of a therapy room!

• Yes there is a couch. No you don’t have to lie down (unless you want to of course!)
• No you will not be hypnotized.
• You do not have to talk about anything you’re not comfortable talking about. It’s helpful, and even encouraged, to let your therapist know your limits.
• You’re in charge of the process. Your therapist can recommend what they think might be helpful, but it is completely up to you to steer the ship. 
• The first session is the assessment session. This is where the therapist will ask lots of questions to get a clear picture of what’s going on for you at the moment. This may involve your current difficulties, your hopes, dreams, fears, disappointments, joys and stressors. Your history will be also reviewed, in so far as it is relevant to your presenting concerns. Then, your goals will be elucidated to provide the direction for therapy. 
• Please don’t apologise for crying. I personally feel so privileged when people feel comfortable enough in the therapy space to connect with their emotions. The tissues are not there for decoration. It’s also completely OK if you don’t cry!
• Yes you will be asked about your childhood. This is a very informative way of understanding the predisposing factors that may be contributing to your current difficulties. 
• Your therapist is trained in evidence-based techniques to help. This means that they will create a formulation – making sense of your current difficulties, how you arrived there, and why you may be stuck there, and how best to shift things to get you feeling better and moving towards your goals. 
• Going to sessions alone is unlikely to achieve significant change. Skills will be introduced in sessions, which with regular practice, will help you achieve change. 
• Therapy is a pretty special space. It’s one where you are held and met with compassion, empathy, no judgment and unconditional regard. 
• Everyone is different. That means that the therapist you connect with, how many sessions you need and what skills will be most helpful is different for everyone. 

It’s a special job, and I am filled with gratitude towards all my clients for letting me in and allowing me to walk beside them in their lives for a while. If therapy has been something you’ve wanted to look into but fear has held you back, I hope this information has been helpful!

Passive, Assertive or Aggressive? How to Figure out Your Communication Style

Do you have difficulty asking for help? Saying no? Expressing your opinion? Expressing anger?Giving criticism? Stating your needs? Asking for help? You may have difficulty communicating assertively.

Not being assertive enough (passive) can lead to low self-esteem, unhealthy or uncomfortable relationships, feeling out of control of decisions, and feelings of anxiety, stress, resentment or tension. Being passive stops you from saying what you really think and feel, and can lead to those close to you to not really knowing who you truly are. Being passive can also mean you repress anger or frustration which may resurface or be expressed disproportionately in other contexts. Conversely, being too assertive (aggressive) can also lead to unhealthy relationships and loss of friendships.

It is helpful to consider communication styles as being on a continuum. On one end of the continuum is passive communication, in the middle is assertive communication, and at the other end is aggressive communication.

Passive-------------------------Assertive-------------------------Aggressive

What is Passive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Passive communication is not expressing your honest feelings, thoughts or beliefs, allowing others to violate your rights, or violating your own rights in the way you communicate with others. It is also assuming responsibility for how others may feel or react.

Signs that you communicate passively:

• You slouch
• You avert your gaze
• You often use filler words such as “maybe”, “um”, “sort of”
• You use qualifiers such as “I might be wrong but…”
• You complain about others behind their back
• You put yourself down e.g. “You know me, I’m useless…”
• You apologise inappropriately
• You feel bad or guilty and you don’t know why
• You ruminate
• You use long rambling sentences or beat around the bush
• You believe it is rude or selfish to say what you want
• You worry you will upset others if you assert yourself
• You worry about embarrassing yourself if you say what you think
• You worry that if someone says “no” to your request they don’t like you

Benefits of passive communication:

• You avoid or postpone conflict in the short term
• You alleviate anxiety in the short term
• You are often praised for being selfless
• Others attempt to look out for you
• You are rarely blamed if things go wrong because you have not put yourself out there or taken control of the situation

Costs of passive communication:

• Others take advantage of you
• Your image is restricted to being a lovable, good person in the eyes of others
• Repressing your anger or frustration can lead to inappropriate anger outbursts and feelings of sadness
• Your self-esteem can be impacted

What is Aggressive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Aggressive communication is expressing your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a way that violates the rights of others.

Signs that you communicate aggressively:

• You yell
• You lean forward or lean over others
• You cross your arms
• You intrude into the other person’s space
• You debate, argue or try to get the other person to agree with you
• You generalise the person as a whole instead of a specific behaviour they exhibit
• You use put downs
• You express your opinions as fact

Benefits of aggressive communication:

• You feel powerful and in control
• You are able to release tension
• You are less vulnerable
• Things tend to go your way

Costs of aggressive communication:

• Others feel resentment toward you
• You sometimes feel shame or guilt
• You are less likely to have healthy and stable relationships
• It can be difficult to relax

The Passive-Aggressive Cycle

It might be common for you to be passive when you initially meet somebody else in an attempt to get them to like you. The danger here is that they are unlikely to get to know the real you, your needs may be overlooked, and the person may take advantage of you. You may grow to resent this other person over time and begin to communicate more aggressively. You might have unexpected outbursts of frustration or anger, stop returning the persons messages or calls, and you may disregard them as a friend altogether. Instead of beginning this cycle of passive-aggressive communication, start how you mean to continue and attempt to communicate assertively from the first meeting.

What is Assertive Communication and What Does it Look Like?

Assertive communication involves communicating your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in an honest way without violating the rights of others. It is the balanced middle ground between violating other people’s rights when being aggressive, and violating our own rights when being passive.

Signs that you communicate assertively:

• You use direct, non-threatening eye contact
• You communicate emotions appropriately e.g. smiling when pleased and frowning when angry
• You use ‘I’ statements
• You don’t allow others to take advantage of you
• You don’t attack others for their thoughts, feelings or beliefs
• You actively listen to others
• You make the distinction between fact and your opinion
• You actively seek the opinions and suggestions of others
• You are willing to explore several options
• Your speech is steady, direct, relaxed and appropriate in volume

Benefits of assertive communication:

• Your self-esteem will improve as you act more in accordance with your
  true self
• Others will get to know what your true thoughts, feelings and beliefs are
• Frustration and anger will be less likely to build up
• You will get to know others more deeply as you are less preoccupied with their potential for negative evaluation of you 

Costs of assertive communication:

• People close to you that have benefited from you being passive may respond poorly
• Practicing a new very different communication style to the style you have been using your entire life is intimidating

Assertive Communication : Key Tips to Remember

• Assertiveness is not the same as being confrontational or aggressive
• Not every situation requires you to be assertive, e.g. if there is potential for yourself or others to be hurt
• Relatedly, it is important to weigh up the pros and cons of being assertive to people of particular generations, cultures or positions
• Being assertive does not mean you will get what you want - you cannot know the outcome
• It is never too late to change the way you communicate
• Assertive communication has the potential to change the relationships you have with others and the way you view yourself

Read later blogs in this series to learn how to think and behave more assertively, how to say “no”, how to deal with criticism and disappointment, and how to give and receive compliments.

Helping Your Child Overcome Anxiety

Anxiety is one of the most common presentations we see in children. Other terms
used to describe anxiety are fear, nervousness and worries. Your child may be
scared of the dark or strange noises at night. They may be fearful of storms, spiders,
dogs or heights. They may be shy and feel anxious in social situations. They may be
worried about something bad happening and have a need to check things like the
locks on windows or doors. They may feel embarrassed when performing in front of
people, like delivering a speech or being on stage. Whatever the reason for your
child’s worries, there are several ways you can help them.

1. Help Them Stay Calm

When children are anxious, they may experience a number of physical symptoms.
These can include:
- Rapid heart rate
- Fast or shallow breathing
- Butterflies in the stomach
- nausea
- Feeling hot or sweaty
- blushing
- Feeling shaky
- Dizziness
- headaches
- Needing to go to the toilet
You can help your child by encouraging them to take slow, deep breaths. Counting
to 4 or 5 as they breathe in slowly through their nose and the same again as they
breathe out slowly through their mouths can help them calm down and reduce the
physical symptoms they are experiencing. Your child may need to do this for several
minutes until they begin to feel calm.
A relaxation exercise such as laying down and alternately tensing and relaxing their
muscles whilst imagining feeling relaxed and taking slow, deep breaths can also help
them feel calmer.
“Smiling Mind” is a free mindfulness meditation app that can be used with children to
help them relax and feel calm.

2. Encourage Them to Develop More Helpful Ways of Thinking

People who worry often make two thinking errors:
1. They overestimate the chance of something bad happening, and
2. They believe that if what they are worried about does happen, they will not be
able to cope with it. It will be ‘the end of the world’.

These thinking errors can affect how your child is feeling and what they do.
For example: your child hears a strange noise at night and thinks someone might be
trying to break into the house. They feel scared and may hide under their covers,
shaking, or come into your bedroom.

Thoughts ------->  Feelings -------->  Behaviour

You can assist your child to develop more helpful or realistic ways of thinking by
exploring alternative explanations.

For example: your child hears a strange noise at night. It might be a possum walking
on the roof, the neighbour’s cat or a tree branch brushing against the house on a
windy night. These more helpful thoughts can help your child feel calmer and they
may go back to sleep.

There are often plenty of alternative explanations that are likely to be more realistic.
Helping your child develop more helpful or realistic thoughts can help them stay
calm.

Helping them feel able to cope in certain situations is also important in managing
anxiety. For example, your child may worry about being late to school or making
mistakes in their schoolwork. They might worry about being in trouble with their
teacher. The belief is that they won’t be able to cope if they get in trouble. The reality
is often very different. Their teacher may be very understanding of the reason why
they were late to school and assist them in understanding mistakes made in their
schoolwork. Even if the teacher does comment about your child being late to school
or making a mistake in their schoolwork, it is not ‘the end of the world’ that your child
worries it will be.

3. Help Your Child Face Their Fear

Children who worry often avoid situations that they worry about. This may reduce
their anxiety in the short term, however, it strengthens their worry over the longer
term. Being able to face their fears gives them the opportunity to learn that the
situation isn’t as bad as they worry it will be, and that they can cope with it.

For example: your child may worry so much about giving a speech in class that they
avoid doing so. Encouraging them to experience giving speeches can help them feel
more confident and learn that nothing bad will happen to them. Often they worry that
the other children will laugh at them, the children won’t like their speech, or that they
will forget their words. The reality is often very different. No-one might laugh at them,
the other children might really like their speech and find it interesting, and they might
not forget their words. Even if someone does laugh or snigger, or they do forget
some of their words, it is not ‘the end of the world’. They can and do cope.
It is often helpful for children to learn to face their fears in a gradual way. An example
might be:

Step 1: Deliver the speech to Mum or Dad
Step 2: Deliver the speech to Mum, Dad and siblings
Step 3: Deliver the speech to grandparents
Step 4: Deliver the speech to a friend
Step 5: Deliver the speech to a small group of friends
Step 6: Deliver the speech to the teacher
Step 7: Deliver the speech to the class

The steps may be swapped around, depending on how difficult each step may be.
The idea is to start with the easiest step and build up to the hardest step. It can often
be helpful to repeat each step, until your child no longer feels anxious about doing
that step, and then move up to the next step. This step-by-step approach can be
used to help children face many of their fears. Depending on the steps and the goal
they are working towards, it is often helpful for children to stay in the step long
enough to experience their anxiety reduce, or vary the amount of time they stay in
each step to progressively longer amounts of time.

4. Reduce Attention to Worries

Focussing attention on worries often maintains the worry and can increase anxiety.
Helping children focus their attention on something else can assist in reducing their
anxiety. Imagine their worry is a plant and attention is like water. When we give
water to a plant, it grows and gets bigger. When we don’t water the plant, it shrivels
up and dies. When we give attention to worries, they get bigger. When we don’t give
attention to worries, they get smaller and, in some cases, they can disappear.
Encourage your child to think about happy or relaxing things. They might like to
recall a memory of a time when they felt really happy, like on their birthday or on a
family holiday. Help them recall that time in as much detail as they can by using their senses – What can they see? What can they hear? What can they smell? What can
they touch? What can they taste? This can help them focus their attention away from
their worries.

Doing an activity they enjoy can also take their attention away from their worries.
They might like to read a book, draw a picture, play their favourite game, jump on the
trampoline, or ride their bike. It is important that they think about the activity they are
doing, and not think about their worry whilst they are doing the activity.

5. Reward Your Child

It is often hard for children to overcome their worries and face their fears. Rewarding
examples of brave behaviour and their attempts to manage their worries can often
help with motivating them to try harder. These are some examples of rewards:
- Verbal praise
- using stickers or a point system that they can exchange for a tangible reward
- time spent together doing a fun activity

Children can also say positive words to themselves. For example: ‘That was hard,
but I did it!’ or ‘I did a great job’.

Making Big Decisions

I see so many people who are in the grips of making a seemingly impossible and overwhelming life decision. It may be whether to stay in or leave a romantic relationship, whether to change careers, or whether it is the right time to have child. The number of variables to consider in making these big decisions, the amount of uncertainty involved, and the risk involved in getting in wrong means that there is no way around difficulty. And as much as I want to step in and tell my clients what the “right” decision is, unfortunately it isn’t my role, and there is no “right” decision anyway!

Here are some tips to help navigate the decision-making process:

1. Pros & Cons

Put some time aside when you’re not feeling too emotional to write up a list of pros and cons for the options available to you. Make sure you include both short- and long-term consequences.

2. Connect to Your Values

Taking a big picture perspective, think about what truly matters to you deep down. This is the stuff that you want to stand for in your life, the kind of person you’d like to be remembered as, the kind of friend/partner/parent/daughter/employee you’d ultimately like to be. This can be a helpful anchor for the pros and cons exercise to frame whether the different options take you towards or away from these principles.

3. Don't Overthink It

 If multiple options take you towards your values and don’t have disastrous consequences, pick either one. Don’t stress about deciding which is “better” if both are taking you in the right decision. Similarly, thinking too far ahead will complicate matters unnecessarily and introduce too much uncertainty and possibility. 

4. Avoiding Making a Decision is Making a Decision

If the prospect of getting it wrong, or the pressure to make the “right” choice is too overwhelming, we can be paralysed and avoid thinking about the issue altogether. Doing so means that we are actually making a decision anyway. 

5. Reconnect With What Matters

 It can be easy to get so caught up in the mind chatter related to the decision-making that we disconnect from other areas of our lives. Make an effort to stay present and engaged in what matters.

6. Have Self-Compassion

This is difficult stuff. Hold yourself gently, talk to yourself kindly, don’t expect too much of yourself. Have patience, and think about what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. Recognise there is no perfect solution, and it is likely that it will take time to resolve the issue. Practice self-care and look after yourself in the process.