Self-Compassion: Being a friend to yourself

We’re often taught how to be kind to others — to listen, show empathy, and offer support when someone is struggling. But how often do we show the same kindness to ourselves, especially when things feel hard, or we make a mistake? 

That’s where self-compassion comes in. Instead of responding to tough moments with harsh self-criticism, it’s about treating yourself with the same warmth, understanding, and care you would to a close friend.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this area, describes self-compassion has having three parts: 

1.     Mindfulness: Noticing when we’re struggling and holding space for whatever you’re feeling in the moment 

2.     Self-kindness: Being gentle and understanding with yourself 

3.     Common humanity: Recognising that pain, mistakes, and challenges are part of being human and you're not alone in what you’re feeling.   

Why is it helpful?

In my work, I often see how easily self-criticism creeps in. It’s the inner voice that says, “I should have done better on that test”, “I need to stop being lazy”, “It’s so embarrassing”. This kind of self-talk often becomes so familiar that it is believed to be necessary to stay motivated or do better. 

Yet, research shows that harsh self-talk actually just leaves us feeling discouraged and stuck. Instead, self-compassion helps us recover from setbacks more quickly and creates the safety we need to learn, build confidence and motivation to keep moving forward and try again. 

A simple self-compassion practice: The self-compassion break

Try this quick practical exercise the next time you’re having a difficult moment. 

Step 1: Notice 

Take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. 

“Am I being harsh or critical towards myself?”

“What am I feeling right now?”

Step 2: Remind yourself you’re not alone

You might say to yourself “It’s okay to feel this way. Everybody makes mistakes” 

Step 3: Give yourself some kindness

A great question to ask yourself is “What would I say to a friend in this moment?”. It might be “That was hard, you did the best you can”

You might also want to do a small, kind gesture for yourself like take a quick break, make yourself a tea, or give yourself a hug. 

Self-compassion is not about ignoring behaviours, making excuses, or avoiding difficult feelings. It’s about allowing yourself to experience them fully and creating space to move forward. At first, this might feel a little uncomfortable, and that’s okay! Try to practice being kind to yourself in the small moments of your day. The more you do, the easier it will be to show up for yourself during more challenging times.