DBT In Practice – Obtaining Objectives Skillfully with DEAR MAN
When we think about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, or DBT, we are always thinking about skills, and a large part of our DBT journey is working out what different skills can we use to get our different needs meet as effectively as possible and practicing them as much as we can.
In DBT, one module of skills that we work on is Interpersonal Effectiveness, or how can we get our needs in relationships met. In interpersonal effectiveness, we have three main skills which can be used for different priorities:
1. DEAR MAN– helping us effectively assert our rights and wishes
2. GIVE – helping us act in a way that we maintain positive relationships
3. FAST – helping us act in ways to keep our self-respect
Today, I wanted to go through the DEAR MAN skill, which is an acronym which serves as a guideline for how we can get what we want out of a conversation with a friend or family member. Reasons for using this skill could include:
- Obtaining our legitimate rights
- Getting another person to do something you want them to do
- Saying no to an unwanted or unreasonable request
- Resolving an interpersonal conflict
- Getting your opinion or point of view taken seriously
DEAR MAN stands for:
1. Describe: Describe the current situation, stick to the facts, tell the person exactly what you are reacting to (e.g. you told me you would be home by 7 and you didn’t get home until 11)
2. Express: Express your feelings and opinions about the situation, don’t assume the other person doesn’t know how you feel (e.g. when you come home so late I worry about you)
3. Assert: Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly (e.g. I would really like it if you would call be when you’re going to be late)
4. Reinforce: Reward the person ahead of time by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need (e.g. I would be so relieved, and a lot easier to live with, if you do that)
- Don’t forget to reward the behaviour after (e.g. I really appreciated you letting me know plans changed)
5. (Stay) Mindful: Keep your focus on your goals, maintain your position, don’t get distracted or off topic.
- Broken record: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over
- Ignore attacks (within reason): If another person verbally attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore it, just keep making your point (e.g. I would still like a call), or if in crisis, remove yourself from the situation and contact crisis services like 000 or 1800 RESPECT
6. Appear confident: Appear effective and competent, use a confident voice and physical manner, make eye contact!
7. Negotiate: Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem, reduce your request, say no but offer to solve the problem another way, focus on what will work (e.g. How about if you text me when you think you might be late?)
Remember to practice what you are going to say ahead of time to try and get the best outcome, and remember practice makes perfect! Best of luck with this new skill, and if you have any questions about how to use DEAR MAN best, ask your individual therapist for help.
