8 Reasons Why Parenting In The Modern World Is So Hard
I see it with the families I work with, I experience it in my own family. Parents are exhausted, overwhelmed and burnt out. Children are struggling, needing more from their parents. But parents are so depleted, trying to juggle everything the modern world demands that even the thought of giving more brings them to tears. Parents, children and families are so stuck.. and it’s normally the parents that blame themselves and think they’re doing it wrong. But the truth is, the issue lies in a fundamental disconnect between the modern world we live in and the way as humans we are wired to operate and raise our children.
Evolutionary theory points to 8 different dimensions of parenting in the modern world which raises the potential for difficulty. As always, there are benefits and risks of anything - so many of the variables that can create problems are also the source of many wonderful advantages offered to us today. Indeed, many previous generations would not have believed the resources and opportunities available to assist parents today. Understanding and awareness of context gives us the ability to make sense of our experience (so we don’t jump to self-criticism) and make more informed decisions that protect ourselves and our children, setting everyone up in a better way. What is important to acknowledge though, is that the way families are operating in the modern world, is unusual, and is quite different to how our species has lived in the past.
1. We are not meant to do this alone!
As the saying goes - “it takes a village to raise a child”. And in the past, it has been the whole community that was part of parenting. The modern set-up of one or two parents raising the children alone is unusual, and places a whole lot of pressure and ridiculous expectations on the caregivers.
2. Science is powerful
An advantage of this is that parents have heaps of evidence-based information available to them about parenting. This has not been accessible in past generations. We know about parenting approaches that can have negative impacts, and how to guide parents in a way that can create the best outcomes for the child. The SIDS ‘back is best’ campaign is a perfect example of how science has made information available that has literally saved the lives of children today.
A disadvantage of this is that many parents today are approaching parenting from a ‘head’ vs ‘heart’ space. They’re relying on rules, experts, google and books, which leads to rigidity. We look less to our children to guide our behaviour, and make choices based on what parenting “should” look like. We can persist with an approach even if it is clearly not working, because that’s what the books tell us to do. This can take an even more dangerous turn when the ‘experts’ we are blindly following are not credible sources. Flexibility, attunement and sensitivity in parenting is so important, so over-reliance on science can lead to difficulty.
3. Limited exposure
In human history, individuals would have had lots of exposure to babies and children before having one of their own. With larger families and different social structures, experience with younger siblings, nieces and nephews would have been part of life. You would have observed others breastfeeding, had parenting modelled to you and have an established sense of what raising children looks like. Today, the first time someone might hold a baby could be their own.
4. Rapidly changing technology
Parents today are preparing children for a world that we are unsure what will look like.
We don’t know what the effects of current technology will be.
Parents are therefore sitting in uncertainty and having to guess what will be best for our children in 10-20 years.
5. Schooling system
The modern schooling system is actually an incredibly unusual environment.
Children are grouped with same-age peers, spend a substantial amount of time with them, and are expected to sit and be still for extended periods of time. This just didn’t happen in foraging societies.
For some children, this is just not possible.
The way in which school and academic/cognitive outcomes and achievement dominates childhood today shifts the way parents prioritise goals. Some parents, with the best intentions, end up prioritising cognitive development at the expense of mental health and the child-parent relationships. This is a perfectly understandable adaptation when you are trying to raise offspring to survive and thrive in the modern world, however there can be significant costs in some instances.
6. Fewer children
Throughout the evolutionary story of parenting, humans have had fewer children with greater investment. This has advanced significantly in the past 100 years, meaning there is more focus on our children. Again, in itself this is neither a good or a bad thing, but in some circumstances it can intensify the pressure and expectation for parents.
7. Connection over distance
Technology has enabled connection to parents and other caregivers all around the world, regardless of physical distance.
There just isn’t enough research yet to understand the capacities of human babies, toddlers and children to develop and maintain psychological connections through technology, and what the short- and long-term impacts of this might be.
8. Work and home as different spheres
Most parents today have to juggle work and home as different roles, worlds and physical spaces.
It has always been the case that parents have done things in their lives outside of taking care of children, but in foraging and agricultural societies, a lot of the work that needed to be done happened in the same physical space that the childcare happens.
This juggling act creates a lot of stress and pressure.
The take-home message here is that the reason that so many parents find raising children difficult in our modern society is because of the gap between how we are wired to raise our offspring, and the environment we find ourselves currently living in. You don’t need to try harder to get it right. Everyone else doesn’t have it worked out. It’s not your fault. It’s a very challenging job and you’re doing the best you can. With self-compassion, flexibility and the right support, parenting gets easier. So place your hand on your heart, take three deep breaths, and tell yourself you’re doing a great job.
